I need the kind of succor only a large group of non-judgy people who know things about children can offer. There is discussion of bodily function and human waste in this story, just FYI, because it’s a story about small children doing something terrible.Today we were at the park. The GOOD park. Seriously, folks, come out to where I live and I will show it to you, it is AMAZING.My kids were playing happily and I was tracking where they were. And then, in a horrible epiphany, I recognized the look on my 4.5 year old’s face. The poop look.“Honey, let’s go to the toilet!” I said. I called the 3.5 year old over and we all headed off to the mercifully-close bath house (I told you, this was the GOOD park). We take over the handicapped stall (I know, I know, but two kids and mama in a regular stall is NOT happening), 4.5 pulls down his pants and hops onto the toilet and something is horribly wrong.
Poop in his pants. Absolutely. Poop on the toilet seat, probably unavoidable. But this was poop everywhere.
The child, bless his heart, looks up at me in a mixture of horror and bafflement and says “Mommy, why my feces are all over?”
And I say “Oh honey– I think maybe you should have gone to the toilet sooner.”
And only then do I remember that I don’t have the diaper bag.
I have nothing.
It’s literally just me, the children, the clothes on our backs, and my drink and sunglasses.
No back-up pants. No back-up undies. No WIPES. No oh-so-useful cloth diapers. No wet naps. No paper napkins. No wet bag. No plastic shopping bag. NOTHING.
So, because I am a PROFESSIONAL, I flush the toilet and use the water running into the bowl to wet several wads of the cheap toilet paper available in the stall and wipe and wipe and wipe. We talk about the ways he can tell his body might need the toilet. I leave 4.5 on the toilet, basically clean but holding up his shirt just in case because Murphy’s Law, to take 3.5 into the OTHER stall to use the toilet. I take the soiled clothes and wash them out in the sink, which is a trial unto itself because it’s a motion-sensor sink so I have to keep moving them in order to get enough water and the soap dispenser is broken. I wring out the pants. I roll the pants in some paper towels to squeeze out as much water as possible because the pants are, of course, WHITE, and will absolutely show poor little 4.5’s junk to the ENTIRE world if he wears them wet.
Then I dress him and we all wash our hands furiously (again, broken soap dispenser, and then the dragging of the small children away from the motion sensor faucet WHY DO PEOPLE THINK THESE SAVE ANYONE ANY TIME).
We leave the bathroom. I send 3.5 back to play and station 4.5 next to me on the bench until my husband comes back with the car and the diaper bag to save our lives.
We are in the clear.
Except.
Except that there is a small but obvious piece of renegade toddler poop on the walkway leading out of the playground.
Again, because I am a PRO, I told 4.5 to stay put and nonchalantly meandered over in the direction of the leash-your-dog sign, snagged a doggy duty bag, scooped up the poop, dumped my drink out over the spot on the walkway, and tossed the bag into the garbage.
So.
Somebody tell me that they can top this.
Somebody tell me that I did okay in this crisis.
And please, somebody tell me that I can take my kids back to this park. Because it’s the GOOD park. And I don’t want to be exiled from the good park.
A Little Help, Please
My friend Elizabeth sent a message to her girlfriends last night, after midnight, and it pinged to my box while I was laying in bed listening to the snoring husband and the snoring children and the snoring dog, all of whom were in my bedroom, maliciously keeping me from sleep, and I knew immediately you needed to see this message, too. Because Elizabeth reminded me we’re not alone in the crap. Even when we think we are. And also, Elizabeth needs us, friends. STAT. She needs us terribly, as you’ll soon see.
Here’s her story.
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50 responses to “A Little Help, Please”
oh. yes. this was good. but I think I’ve got you beat.
almost 3 years ago my precious now middle child was 2.5 years, my oldest was 4, my youngest was in my belly. so me and my little girls went to Mcadonalds, the NICE McDonalds on the other side of town. the one we’d never been to before but the one I’ve always heard had a bigger, better indoor playground. we ate happy meals. we were happy. being very pregnant, I stayed seated while watching them play and slide, play and slide. until, something went very wrong. that precious 2.5 year old girl slid down and left brown wet streaks behind her. like, I’m talking not just a little. a lot. and it was chunky. oh, and it was summer. and lunchtime. and the place was packed. . it was a nightmare. moms wrenched their kids off that play place like it was hot lava. I grabbed my Precious Poopy Pants and told her not to move. I swiped as many napkins as I could and tried my best to wipe the worst of it off that slide. in the bathroom, I did have another pull-up (yep, obviously potty training was in the works). but there wasn’t a changing area. so, with my 4year old in tow, I laid her down ON THE FLOOR (way worse than my kid’s poop), in a small stall because the handicap one was taken. of course. and, of course, I had zero wipes in the diaper bag. and no extra shorts. so I wiped her sweet little self with that awful scratchy toilet paper. I gotta say I didn’t do a great job because I was panicking that her head was crammed up against the side of the toilet! and, remember, I was very pregnant. on my knees. it was summer. and there was a 4year old practically laying on my bent back. I did the best I could with her shorts, and we washed our hands, and then…the worst part. we walked back through the restaurant and I apologized to every mom I saw. my hand gripped my little girls’ tightly, the moms gripped their children in protection while guarding their own happy meals from flying feces. then, I found the one poor guy who was on mop duty and told him there was a Situation at the Slide. I walked with him there, and pointed to the remaining streaky brown-ness. I apologized and asked if he wanted me to clean it myself. he said…..get this….’nope! I just did this same thing this morning!’
appalled at THOSE OTHER CHILDREN AND THEIR FLYING FECES, we left.
it’s been 3 years and we have yet to return to the nice McDonalds on the other side of town.
Thank you all, once again! Just thought I would mention that I read this post, and comments, at night, right before I go to sleep. No matter what my day has been like it makes me smile, and often cry with laughter, and gives me a happy connected feeling as I end my day. I’m reminded that I’m not the only one, and love the “non-judgy” honest hearts that contribute. And in this case, I get GREAT advice! Because I was with ya until the, roll up the pants in paper towels to soak up excess water! Up to that point I was imagining my kid in dripping wet pants, at minimum! Stellar job momma!!
You are a hero. Not only did you clean up but you did it without embarrassing your 4.5 year old. Of course you can go back to that park.
I think you did great. Honestly, what else could you have done better in that situation? I’ve found myself in similarly stressful situations, and I tend to obsess over my lameness for not being the kind of mom (me, not you) who always has the diaper bag AND the bag always has an extra change of clothing. There are moms like that, but I’m not one of them even though I wish I was. Go back, enjoy the good park. Anyone who was wise to what happened and has a problem with it as if she would never have had that happen either has a nanny or is lying.
I TOTALLY agree. You did just fine. And if your kids are like mine, from now on EVERY SINGLE TIME you go to the park they will say (loudly) remember that time (4.5) pooped all over? Remember mom? Remember, it was right there, and there, and ………
You are on a whole other level! I have to remember some of your tricks for my next crisis.
You absolutely go back to that park! I would have grabbed up my 4 kids, dragged them all to the people shuttle and gone home with poop pants on the offender. I also would have been hysterically muttering to myself about this is why we never, ever, even leave the house!!
You handled the whole thing beautifully Mama!!
Ok, I have to say this after many years of child raising and running a daycare. Shit happens.
You done good. No worries.
You rock and DO NOT LET ANYONE KEEP YOU FROM THE GOOD PARK! neither you nor your children did anything wrong.
You are mama – let us hear you roar.
You are a rock star mama! I wouldn’t have been able to handle it that well at all!! You should be congratulated, and should give lessons 🙂
YOU DID AN AMAZING, APPLAUSE-WORTHY, FANTASTIC, BRILLIANT, STUPENDOUS (ALL OF THE OTHER WORDS THAT WILL MAKE THIS EVEN MORE REDUNDANT) JOB!! YOU ARE A MIRACLE-WORKER!!!!!
Seriously Mama, I am so sorry you had to cope with this and even more sorry that you would ever think that a small child who has an accident on a day you don’t have provisions would reflect poorly on your worth or entitlement to play at any park, EVEN THE GOOD PARK.
Go, play, hold your head up high. Get yourself a t-shirt that says, “McGyver Special Ops Mama Trained in Highly Skilled Poop-Evasion.” For real.
Hats off and head bowed in reverence. -Sarah
I recently had a similar experience at our local splash pad involving a swim diaper malfunction!
You did great. And I say that as a mom whose dear daughter only stopped having crap accidents last year, at the age of 11 and with loads of help from a GI specialist. We have been crappy and stranded nearly everywhere you could think of, and it was awful. (BTW, we had to start a hefty laxative regimen, a toileting schedule, and cut out gluten before it was cool to cut out gluten before she started getting better.) If anyone knows about having to hold your head up and going back EVEN THOUGH they’ll probably recognize us, it’s me. And I say to you – you did great. Go back to the good park.
Encopresis? We know ALL about it.
I am way familiar with poop.
Here are a couple ways I would have handled that situation differently.
1) Lots of cursing. I would have hopscotched over my mild mommy swears (Stinkin’ Pickles! Poop Nuggets! Funkin’ Go-nuts!) and gone straight for the good stuff.
2) Poop messes often make me start reflexively gagging, which does no one any good.
3) In a fit of pique I would probably have thrown the pants in the garbage. And then realized that we had no backup pants so I would have to dig through the garbage to retrieve the offending pants.
4) It is entirely possibly that I would have shed a few tears.
5) When my husband returned with the diaper bag instead of greeting him in relief he would have a tense, grouchy, mom-on-the-warpath to deal with. Not fun.
As it appears you did none of these things I would say you handled the situation a teensy bit better than I would have.
Feel free to roam the good park to your heart’s content.
You definitely get to go back to that park. You earned it and did great!
I don’t know a single mom who hasn’t had some sort of experience like that, but they’re still mortifying when they happen! My friend had a great one just like weekend at storytime at Barnes and Nobles. Now it’s important to know that just the day before her family had gone blueberry picking and she knew her kids ate way too many blueberries. Well, during storytime she noticed her son had a poopy diaper. She went out to the car to get te diaper bag, leaving her husband inside with the kids. When she came back she couldn’t see her kids or husband but saw a trail of blueberry poop all the way to the bathroom – like whole blueberries in the poop! She followed the trail and gave her husband the diaper bag. Then she grabbed some paper towels and went back out to clean up but there was already a full HAZMAT crew on the job (or so it seemed) 🙂 she swears she can never go back to that Barnes and noble!
I have a son who, his entire life, has produced poop logs that should not, by rights, come out of anything smaller than a rhino. Seriously, they are enormous, toilet-clogging monsters. He also has some physical disabilities that make him prone to accidents.
We were in Hershey Park one day when he was little. He was walking ahead of me with his dad, and I witnessed a giant log drop out the leg of his shorts, right in the middle of the walkway. I grabbed the diaper bag, and a large handful of wet wipes, scooped up the log, and deposited it in the nearest trash can. And kept on walking…
Not only did you ok, I am pretty sure that you win Good Park Mom of the Month.
Wow, she’s awesome! I had something similar except it was my daughter and not as dramatic. You see, my 5 year old daughter is quite slender and my 2 year old son is quite stout. So, when my 5 year old soiled her dress at the mall, I was able to put my son’s clothes on her. She didn’t care and actually thought it was fun. Thanks for sharing your friends story. It makes me feel less crazy when these things happen. She handled it very well! 😀
So at my house we in courage peeing outside especially if you are already playing out there. No need to ruin the fun by having to treck all the way inside just to pee. However we do have a fence that connects to are neighbors yard on the neighbors side of that fence is maybe a foot of pebbles then a wall with a bedroom window. During the summer we can get in the 100 regularly here. Ok now you have the needed info for my story.
I’m outside beheading my roses. (Yes i know pruning or dead heading is the real terms but beheading makes me feel better) when i look up and my neighbor is walking up to visit. Which is kinda odd he is a quite talk to you if you talk to him type. But I smile and say hi how are you today. He says well im alright. But i would really um appreciate it if you could maybe have your boys not pee through the fence. Urine smell just really sucks when your trying to sleep. And I’m sure if it was on grass appose to the rocks it would not be so bad but there is nothing but rocks there. My response was um yeah i was unaware they were peeing in your yard I’m not even sure how they would be. To which he says well i did not know it was them until yesterday when i saw your son literally line himself up through a hole in the fence and pee. Im sure my face went deer in headlights and i mutter something like im so sprry i will deal with that right away.
So i talked to my oldest to figure out who and why. It was him and because he didn’t want pee in the yard.
That was fabulous mommying in my opinion. I would have had the boy walk in a makeshift paper towel diaper back to the car. You let them go back to playing? Way to go, Elizabeth. You’re the mom I want when I come back as an incontinent child!
If you want and equally embarrassing child story I have plenty. The time (speaking of the GOOD place), we were on a once in a lifetime trip to Disney and stopped on the way home at the beautiful Grand Floridian and my son needed to use the bathroom so my husband brought him, saw Kevin Smith the famous director checking in and hoped to possibly say hello and gush a moment, only to look over at my son and see that the situation had turned dire. My son was doing the fresh off a horse walk and it was no longer in the cards to meet Kevin Smith the famous director (at least not without a befouled child).
You did an absolutely FABULOUS job! I don’t know what I would have done, but it wouldn’t have been as stellar as what you did!!! And, there is NO reason why you should be banned from the park!! NO REASON! You cleaned up any mess that was made and probably left the bathroom better than you found it!
MAJOR KUDOS TO YOU MOMMA! YOU ARE SUPERWOMAN!!!
It sounds like she handled it like a pro. I totally would have pretended I didn’t see the runaway poop on the sidewalk.
OMG! This woman is a freaking ROCK STAR!!! She’s more than welcome back…she OWNS that playground! Give yourself a round of applause and a hefty pat on the back, you have officially become my hero!!! ☺️
I’d say you recovered well! If there was an audience… Well if they bring it up later, ask them how they could have done better!