I think I’ve read it in every parenting book. Heard it from the lips of all the parenting experts. “Consistency is the key to good parenting,” they say, and, “there are few principles more important.” And I bought that message for years. Like all my friends, I was a hook, line and sinker Consistency Believer. Because OF COURSE consistency is the key to good parenting, I thought. Duh.
Now that I’m 16 years and 5 kids into this parenting gig, though, I gotta say, where the rubber meets my parenting road? Consistency is overrated, friends. Way, way overrated. And mostly impossible. And pretty much a set-up for feeling like failure.
Consistency for me, it turned out, meant consistently falling short of the Consistency Goal. Every time I let them have a cookie for snack instead of fresh fruit because I was too tired to cut another apple, INCONSISTENT. Every time I let them watch just one more show or talk me into a late bedtime or delay a chore, INCONSISTENT. Every time Greg and I didn’t agree on the rules. Every time I was merciful instead of swiftly just. Every time I let them skip that mandatory bite of veggies at dinner. INCONSISTENT, and a Parenting Failure, and my kids were certain to grow up to be rule breakers, authority shunners, and probably, in the end, serial killers. Or worse; serial killers who’d refuse to eat their vegetables.
I spent a lot of my early parenting years beating myself up for my lack of consistency. It didn’t occur to me then that the unrealistic Consistency Ideal was more of a problem than my abject failure to be consistent in all things. It didn’t occur to me that I might even be teaching my kids better things than consistency. More important things. Things that might prepare them more completely for a life that’s full of change. Things like flexibility and adaptability. Mercy and understanding. Grace and kindness. And the fact that Who People Are and What They Need are always more important than strict adherence to the rules.
It’s just that the Consistency Argument is so compelling, so universally understood as the Way and the Truth, that even though there was always a twinge in my gut, something that made me feel uncertain and unsure, I clung to Consistency like it was the Answer. An answer I kept getting wrong, sure, but still a Magical Answer which is the Holy Grail of Parenting, really… something that would Fix All My Parenting, if only I could find and master it.
You have to consistently communicate well with your partner, the experts would say. Parents have to be on the same page! Present a united front! Never have different opinions or – God forbid – different rules in front of the kids. Except this isn’t war, with parents on one side against kids on the other. This is a family, and we’re learning how to be a family together. Out loud. Where it’s messy and muddy and we’re neck deep in the muck. We’re all on same team – not rushing away to make plans behind closed doors or regrouping in secret to launch a new offensive – and it turns out our kids learn more about teamwork from watching us have our conflicts (with each other and them) and resolve them well (and poorly), as they do from our easy, peaceful exchanges. We’re teaching them to be human, after all; flawed and still fabulous. Messy and still magnificent. Weird and still wonderful, and always deeply, deeply worthy of love.
But you have to be consistent about the rules, they’d say. What the parent says, goes! Except sometimes, after I say NO WAY and ABSOLUTELY NOT, my kids ask me why. “Why can’t we go to the park without a grown-up, Mom? We’re ready. We’re old enough. The park is close. We’ll stay together.” And they’re right. And I’m wrong. And the rules need to be changed. And I need to be both brave and humble. And because my kids are human beings with thoughts and feelings and desires that deserve my respect, they need answers to their Whys. I want the rules to make sense, rather than be about exerting my power over them. I want the rules to have reasons, rather than be arbitrary or because I’m being consistent, Kids.
The things is, life is not consistent. Not even a little. Life is crazy. Just nuts. Life changes like the seasons, except sometimes more often, and we must change with it. How many of us are living our lives according to Plan A? Not many, I suspect, or there’d be a whole lot more Princess / Mommy / Zookeepers out there, and Policeman / Superhero / Garbage Truck Guys. Right? Life changes with giant pendulum swings, and the kids who learn to think things through and to adapt and to love themselves and others through the wild ride are going to have an easier go of it than the ones (come on, you see ’em on Facebook; I know you do) yelling, Why can’t everyone just do what I say and follow the rules?!
Kids feel safer with consistency, though, they say. They need solid boundaries and clear expectations. And that’s true. Partly. With the tiniest kids, it’s true more often than it’s not, and we do consistently tell them they cannot, in fact, clock the other littles over the head with the sandbox Tonka Truck, even if that other little kid totally had it coming. But as kids age, even a little, they start needing more than consistent rules. They need discussion. They need explanations. They need collaboration and ownership and the practice of leadership. They need give and take and a sense of camaraderie and we’re-in-this-together.
Now, listen. I’m not against rules. I’m really not. But as our parenting has evolved, and as I’ve released the Consistency Ideal, our rules have changed to better reflect our parenting values and our family goals, and they are these:
Make Sure Mommy Knows Where You Are!
Make Safe Choices; I mean it.
And my kids, whether they follow the rules or not, have the right to expect to be consistently loved. Consistently cherished. Consistently safe. Consistently respected. But the rest of the rules? Those things are fluid. And, let’s be honest; we’re making them up as we go, anyway. They need to be challenged and changed to so we all – parents, included – can grow.
I don’t know; maybe we can give ourselves a break, parents. Maybe we can be who we are – flexible, creative, adaptable, loving, flawed, fabulous, fallible people – and celebrate our successes instead of raking ourselves over the consistency coals.
I know I’m messing with one of the Great Tenets of Parenting here. I’d love to know; what do you think? Do you agree? Or am I off my rocker?
37 responses to “Here’s a Parenting Tip: Consistency is Overrated”
[…] every hour on the hour, because they say it’s important — essential, really — to be consistent when raising kids, so I consistently mention my plans for Mexico; a beach, the water, a coconut drink in my hand, […]
[…] which never worked because we were always consistent. By which I mean, they always worked and we were never consistent except at saying, OhMyGoshGoToBED and […]
[…] “Yes, you may guest post,” I said, “but – BUT — you will need to pick an important topic, you will spell words correctly, you will have a POINT, you will have reasons for that point, you will have a conclusion, and it will be about something that will improve the lives of other children.” In other words, none of the parameters I have for my own writing because DO WHAT I SAY, kids, NOT WHAT I DO, which is hypocritical, yes, but it’s the same way I treat drinking milk out of the carton — OK for me, not OK for you hooligans — so I’m being consistent, see? […]
[…] love my family. I loved being on vacation with them. I love that our kids are consistent (that questionable hallmark of good parenting), which they exhibit by dependably peeing on and around toilets no matter where we reside and […]
I’m sitting her reading your blog, nodding my head and laughing out loud. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you. Is that weird?
Well said. Love your perspective and your knack for putting my thoughts into words. Thanks for sharing!
I completely agree! I think parenting styles change as kids get older, new babies enter the family,and we grow as parents. It’s hard to be consistently consistent when our lives our ever changing.
I LOVE this article!
And yes, you are off your rocker! … in a good way!
Most great people are.
Me thinks we shouldn’t learn how to think outside the box, we should burn it 🙂
Who put it up in the first place anyway? And who then decided we all have to live in it? 😀
I completely agree with what you are saying consitency is important but we must change our perspective on what we need to be consitent on.
My votes go to: Love, respect, humility, understanding and trust.
And I strongly believe if these are the foundation of family (and any other parts of)life, the rest comes naturaly.
A great way to help Kids (not make them – that’s is sheer impssible) understand is by applying natural consequences.
Writing ‘I should not break my neighbours window’ has nothing to do with what happened and kids won’t get punishment!
Having to help the neighbour fix it and having to make up for the damage by giving them your poket money or helping them in the garden will help kids understand what work, money and taking responsibility really means.
When children understand WHY they should or shouldn’t do something they are more likely to adhere to it, also when your back is turned.
I am saying ‘more likely’ in full awareness of the fact that you can never keep any one child from trying out the ‘naughties’ but then again I think if they are smart enough to figure out how to outsmart grownups, they kinda deserve to get away with it, right … 😉
Great article, awesome reminder! Thank you!
Thank you. Having spent this evening berating myself because my 9 month old won’t Consistently go to sleep at 7 every night and I Backed Down and negotiated with my 3 year old that we could finish putting his toys away after dinner it’s so lovely to get some gentle perspective. I couldn’t agree more. Thank you for the reminder.
You simply made my day!
I mean it.