I Drink Far Less Than Is Justifiable

We were on a tight timeline yesterday. That’s the same thing as saying everything was about to be totally screwed up. Foreshadowing, man. Dramatic suspense.

We went to the sporting goods store to buy cleats for a boy child.

I had with me two 7-year-olds, two teenagers, my car keys and my wallet. I lost five of those things in the store. Three of them more than once. 

During our trip, we took down an entire wall of shoes. One of those metal brackets that hold the racks in place came loose, “all by itself” according to a 7-year-old, and the shoes crashed to the ground. 

We fixed it.

I lost the children.

I found the children wearing boxing gloves and beating up a man named Bob. He was plastic and missing everything below his torso. My kids thought Bob’s handicaps were a good reason to pummel him. I think they need to attend mandatory anti-bullying classes. Kids these days. Geez.

I said no to 1200 things the children wanted to buy. Among them, boxing gloves and Bob. 

I lost them again.

I swear, shopping with children is made up of two equal parts: 1/2 saying no and 1/2 losing them. 

We finished shopping.

We went out to our car, which is when I discovered my keys were missing. 

I went back into the store where I found my keys on a metal bracket holding up the wall of shoes. I grabbed my keys and the entire wall of shoes cascaded once again to the floor. 

I told the store manager the metal bracket came loose all by itself, and I shrugged my shoulders in my best “we live in a world of mystery” imitation. 

I went back to the car.

Which wouldn’t start.

In conclusion, I drink far less than is justifiable.

The End

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4 responses to “I Drink Far Less Than Is Justifiable”

  1. Every time I see a new post from you to read, I get excited. They are equal parts utter honesty and ridiculous hilarity. I love it. Shopping with children should be illegal and living in a dry village nine months of the year, I can totally relate to not drinking as much as I deserve to!!!

  2. This makes me want a glass just reading it. You are hilarious in the midst of total chaos! Hope the shoe wall recovers and you too!

  3. Beth….have you ever read The Pioneer Woman post about the time she and her husband stopped in a garage to get coffee and in an attempt to get a doughnut from a glass display cabinet she managed to yank the tiny individual door instead of pushing it inwards and the entire cabinet shattered into a gazillion pieces….and the worst part,she still reached in to try and retrieve the doughnut from the shards of glass while the manager tried to persuade her not to…
    If you want a “real experience” though,you should try shoe shopping in a sports store that is 5,000 degrees hot,is blaring pop music,is packed and your kids will not take the cheaper shoes because they are too tight,even though you have managed,at no inconsiderable sweaty effort,to squash their feet into them….

  4. Yes, far less than might be justified. On the subject of losing children, we have a family whistle. When separated or lost, we use the family tune (a four note pattern), everyone knows when they hear it to whistle back and start moving toward the other until we are united. People stare sometimes, but hey, ya go with what works. 😉

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