Remind me to never get Botox. I mean, YOU can, but my face isn’t responsible enough.

I made a video for you yesterday while my tongue, lips and facial muscles were still frozen after dental work. The dentist worked on the top teeth – both sides – and bottom left. So, like, my whole mouth minus the teeth on the bottom right which he fixed last month.

The dentist said I need to knock it off with the soda. I said, self-righteously, I don’t drink soda. He said I probably ought to knock off the coffee, then. I said I’ll go ahead and hand over all my teeth right now as long as I can keep my coffee. I said keeping the coffee is tantamount to keeping my children, since I’m doubtful I can parent without it. I said coffee is a spiritual practice and he probably shouldn’t go around maligning people’s religions like that. I said none of those things because his hands were in my mouth, but I think my whimpering gave him the gist.

After the dentist, I went to volunteer at my kids’ school.

I practiced smiling first, because, you know – frozen face.

USUALLY, my smile looks like this.

photo 2 (75)

But this time, it looked like this.


And like this.


And, when I used my fingers to help, it looked like this:


So I decided to volunteer at the elementary school without smiling. On the down side, I’m pretty sure there are some kids who are now frightened of me since I kept forgetting not to smile and ended up grimacing at them instead. On the bright side, I sat with a bunch of 2nd grade boys for lunchtime, and I couldn’t drink from the tiny carton of milk without dribbling it down my front, so there are some kids who think I’m funnier than God.

That’s when I made you this video, which is mostly just self-serving because I realized I may need you to remind me in the future to never, ever, ever get Botox.



I mean, I’m not opposed to those of you who use Botox. Knock yourselves out. You inject poison into your face, I eat off-brand mac and cheese with its fake orange dye and delicious, dehydrated cheese product and simple carbohydrates; who am I to judge? And I don’t ever expect to have the extra funds available for Botox, but just in case I accidentally invent the next Microsoft or Google or a whole new internal organ that neutralizes cheese product ( <– someone invent this! ), I wanted to make sure to record this so I remember why some of us need facial expressions more than others.


P.S. I couldn’t remember what those teeth that aren’t molars are called. Now I remember they’re just called teeth. That’s why I’m a writer; because I’m so good at words.


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16 responses to “Remind me to never get Botox. I mean, YOU can, but my face isn’t responsible enough.”

  1. Oh Beth…so sorry. If it makes you feel any better, while I was watching, a very snot-filled, heavy breathing three year old boy stopped watching Pooh bear and watched your video…then said Again? So being the desperate mom of a sick three year old, I, of course hit play. He studied your face and furrowed his eyebrows and moved his mouth each time you attempted to smile with novocain face trying to match your expression. On your final attempt he furrowed his eyebrows, patted the phone and smiled and said, “Poor lady, it’s ok here’s hug.” Then hugged my phone my arm and all. I’m sorry…I’m still laughing. Not at your poor Novocain ridden smile but at my three year old who made the most wonderful faces before giving up, shaking his head at your expression and landing your image with a hug of consolation.

  2. You always make me laugh! I had dental work done a little while back and it was only on one side which left me looking pretty awesome. When I tried to smile my kids said, “Don’t smile mom, you look creepy.”

  3. BETH – I just heard the BEST news today that you’re going to be speaking at our MOPS group next month (Silverton). After this post, I KNOW they made the right decision in choosing a well-versed and wise speaker for our group. (At my suggestion. They’re all going to be so proud of me for asking for you to speak.) 🙂

    • YAY! I’m SO EXCITED! I spoke this month at another MOPS group on the risk of being ourselves and the fact that it’s terrible, deeply, wonderfully worth it. We are, after all, made in God’s own image… the Bible OPENS with that! Can’t wait to meet you in person! MOPS moms are my people.

  4. If you ever decide to run away from home towards Seattle. Let me know. We’ll go Starbucks hopping until they won’t serve us anymore. We are so friends now. Not that I didn’t think that before, but now you know as well. Your writing is inspiring both in content and format.

  5. Your eyes are stunning! That’s where most of smiles are really shown anyway. People fake the tooth kind, the eye kind are fer reals.

    • Bahaha! I TOTALLY DID, but I didn’t notice it ’til you commented, Charla. I also tried to say the word “absess” yesterday with Frozen Face. Came out “aththth.”

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