I Know We’re Not Supposed to Compare Ourselves to Others or to Try to Figure Out Who’s Sucking Worse Than Us But Sometimes We Need to Know We’re Doing a LITTLE Better Than Someone Else And That’s Why I Tripped Over My Own Pants This Morning. For YOU.

I tripped over my own pants this morning. Not because they were on the floor and I didn’t see them. Not because someone maliciously tossed them in my path while I was walking by. Not for any of the usual, discarded-them-in-the-middle-of-my-bedroom-last-night-because-I-was-really-tired-and-DONE-WITH-PANTS-so-let’s-keep-the-housekeeping-recriminations-to-yourselves reasons.

PantsNo; I tripped over my own pants this morning because, as they were halfway up my legs, I suddenly thought of 4 other things I needed to be doing — I have to go potty! I have to take my meds! I have to remind my boys to put their homework in their backpacks! I have to find a shirt because Topless School Drop-Off continues to be “frowned upon.” — and I marched off to do those things without completing the pants pull-up maneuver.

Literally, my hands were still at my knees, mid-hoist, and I just walked off as though, having thought about pulling up my pants, I was done.

It was a fantastic trip, just so you know.

More of a jump, really, like in ballet. 

I know! It was a jeté! A jeté which, according to WikipediatheSourceofAllKnowledge, is a large leap in which one leg appears to be thrown in the direction of the movement. 

That’s totally what I did.

grand jeté except not quite so grand since the leg I threw was already securely lassoed by my pants.

Perhaps a pathétique jeté is a more accurate term, as it ended in me lying on my bathroom floor, trussed up like a turkey.

Or like a calf at a rodeo steer-wrestling event.

OK, fine; calf roping may be the tiniest bit more precise than ballet.

Like calf roping almost exactly, except I roped two calves and, no offense to all the accomplished calf ropers out there, but I’m pretty sure I beat your time hands down, because the whole event, from putting my feet in my pants to finding myself face-down in the ample dirty laundry pile on the bathroom floor was only, like, 5 seconds. 

Frankly, I think Getting Dressed should be a recognized as a sport, and I should have this move named after me. The double-footed leap-and-trip, known from now on as a Woolsey. As a Gainer is to diving, so a Woolsey is to Getting Dressed. The half-Woolsey, of course, would apply to the single-footed leap-and-trip, which I’ve also performed at least twice. 

In conclusion, I think we forget to thank Jesus for the little things, so I’d like to take this moment to say, 

Dear Jesus,

Thank you that there are no video cameras in my bathroom.

Amen

………

Blue Jean image credit Suat Eman via freedigitalimages.net

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
16 comments
  1. […] totally faking this adult thing and a little bit amazed we don’t get caught more often with our pants down or watching our side mirrors fly away at the drive-up […]

  2. […] the time. We are out of our ever-loving minds, in fact. And I’ve written about being crazy here and here and here and here and here, into infinity. We are NUTS, and I’m not denying it. […]

  3. I pulled a pretty fantastic Woolsey the other day, except with shorts. And except I made no attempt to go anywhere, but simply got tangled and lost my balance. And fell on my face. And there were no video cameras but there WAS a husband who witnessed the whole thing.

    And I’m still married, so…y’know. Your move, Beyonce.

  4. What I can say except that this was TOO funny. And, I just want to commend you for your service to mankind. Your generosity of spirit in the lengths you’ll go to for your readers is really quite something! 😉 Hope your day got better after that.

  5. Beth, Beth, Beth, why are you wearing jeans anyway? What happened to the sweatpants with the worn out places in the inner thighs due to friction? You are brave! Jeans aren’t even an option for me on most days!

  6. I was taking out the trash one day, headed down the porch steps. With full knowledge that I am a klutz and the steps tend to be slippery, I decided to carry the (very heavy) trash bag in my right hand, rather than holding on to the railing on that side. When my right foot, obscured by the very heavy trash bag, slipped, my balletic response was to lift the LEFT foot too! This resulted in me taking a delightful little swan dive down the steps, ending with my nose two inches away from a gigantic tomato plant. Based on the fact that my shoulder and elbow are still hurting a month later, I suspect I probably should have seen a doctor…

  7. I loved the use of “fantastic!” Has Greg had some success there 😉

  8. So when you said that mid pull up you thought of like four other things you needed to be doing, I thought, oh my gosh, like every second of every day! I’ve definitely done both a half and full Woolsey a time or two!

  9. Love it, totally agree, dirty laundry piles are safety essentials, at a pinch a clean pile would probably work too.

    This morning I put my cheese in the fridge to melt, sad to say it took me more than 1/2 a second to work out the microwave would probably work better 🙂

    also I think you should be proud you got your pants half on, I have been known to stack it at the underwear stage!

  10. … and thank you for not letting me land on something hard like a toilet or bathtub. Amen.

  11. My 3yo rejected her nap, one of my preschoolers had a naptime accident, another had a ahem, accident, and my 3yo’s “whisper voice” is so flippin loud she’s woken all the other kids up… 30min before they are usually up… which means MY quiet time ended 30min early and I have to survive 3 more active hours before the day is over.

    That has nothing to do with anything in this post, but just had to throw it out there. And I did pull a Half-Woolsey last week. So there’s that. =)

    Cheers to no black eyes and hopefully minimal bruising. =)

  12. I figured you would appreciate this. I am also the mom to five kids, and my youngest is 3 and in a very MOMMOMMOMMOMMOM stage. Last night I wanted to take a shower since I can’t find time during the day while homeschooling and keeping up with the crazy. My 3 year old was crying bc she wanted to be with me but hates showers. So I told her to smell my underarm and if it wasn’t stinky, I wouldn’t shower until today. She smelled my armpit, pushed me and said “go take a shower, mama”.

    1. I wish that worked here! Unfortunately, all of my boys AND my partner like the smell of my odorous armpits. Especially when I am pregnant…as I am now. The 3yo actually pushes my arm fat out of the way and buries his face into my armpit as a way to sooth himself.

      This IS the blog where we are free to admit embarrassing family stuff, right *looks around nervously*

      1. This made me laugh! Kids are hilarious! Reminds me of my five year old who loves to stick his hand up in the air and offer his armpit to lucky recipients with the insistent demand “smell my armpit! Smell my armpit!”

  13. Thank God for the laundry pile though. I think you should take it as a sign there should always be a giant mound of clothes on the bathroom floor because SAFETY people! That’s what I’m going to tell everyone about the random piles of clothing everywhere, just doing my part to give them a soft place to land

    1. Kate, that’s awesome! Mind if I steal it?

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