Vote YES on Penises:
A Poem for Election Season
“Hey, Mom?” said the 8-year-old.
“Yes?” said I.
“Are you gonna vote?”
“OF COURSE,” I replied.
“How ’bout for penises?”
He looked at me.
I thought and I thought.
“For penises?” said me.
“For penises,” he said.
And I replied,
“I’m very pro-penis,”
and I didn’t lie.
But I sure was confused,
so I asked him, “Why?”
Then he pointed to the curb
with the pro-penis sign.
We were in the car.
We were going kind of fast.
It was hard to see
as we blew on past.
Blurry and fuzzy,
I could barely make it out.
But it looked like a penis;
there was very little doubt.
So I turned to my son,
and I said, “Look, kid!
See the penis on that sign??”
And he cried, “I DID!”
“I been trying to tell you,”
he indignantly said.
While we passed more signs
with balls and a head.
Election season’s here.
Full of good and the bad.
There are well-intentioned people,
plus WAY TOO MANY ADS.
We are certainly divided,
Which make us sad.
We must find common ground
Wherever it be had.
So let’s look to the penis.
On this we can agree.
Penises are awesome!
They’re a hose for a he.
So here’s our slogan
(It is time to promote),
“YES on PENISES!”
That’s our vote.
P.S. I’m so sorry about the poetry. It accidentally fell out of me. I think we should just take this moment to be grateful this doesn’t happen more often.
P.P.S. Here’s the real sign. I suggest you print it out, put it up in your hallway and then run past it REALLY FAST. I am telling you, this drawing is a DEAD RINGER for a penis when you’re zipping on by.
P.P.P.S. Oregon’s Measure 92 is currently trailing in the polls. Frankly, I think they’d do better if they simply explained they’re pro-penis.
P.P.P.P.S. This is not an endorsement of Measure 92.
P.P.P.P.P.S. This is not not an endorsement of Measure 92. I’m sure its organizers are very wonderful people who just like to draw phallic salmons and apples.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Actually, if Measure 92’s organizers are very wonderful people who just like to draw phallic salmons and apples, I’m pretty sure this is an endorsement of Measure 92 because those sound like my kind of people.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Regardless, this IS an endorsement of penises.
UPDATE: I thought about including a message with this post to explain that being PRO-penis is not being ANTI-woman. I am PRO-woman. And PRO-man. And PRO-person. But I didn’t include that in the original post because a) if I started giving all the disclaimers and clarifications I probably should, we’d never have time for all the weird stuff, and b) I figured you’re all smart people who understand, logically speaking, that including one thing in a set (i.e. penises) does not imply the exclusion of other things (i.e. vaginas). And you ARE all smart people who understand that, which I know because the people who believe I’m anti-woman and anti-vagina have unliked and unfollowed this site and let me know that they will never read it again and neither will their children or their children’s children or their children’s children’s children, which is really best since this site wasn’t developed with child readers in mind and they apparently had a LOT of children reading it.
Now, normally I don’t care if people unlike and unfollow this site; not because I don’t care about them — I DO care about them; I just happen to think it’s fine to have different opinions, and I don’t have any particular investment in forcing others to believe mine — but, in this case, it’s really too bad they stopped reading because they’re going to miss this next part where I promote boobs.
Now, I’m not personally running a pro-boobs campaign, and, as far as I know, there isn’t a pro-boobs measure on the ballot like the pro-penis measure in Oregon, but — BUT — there is a school district in Georgia that’s teaching children about boobs as part of their formal curriculum. A district that believes so much in pro-boob education, they made it part of their logo. Maybe. I mean, one can only assume that was the point of the logo.
In conclusion, lest you think I’m ONLY pro-penis, I’m balancing out this post with boobs. It’s only fair.
10 responses to “Vote YES on Penises (UPDATED)”
This is one of my favorite posts of yours. The end.
No wait, it’s not the end. It’s so sad that you know you have to make a joke about all the people who might be offended because you know no matter what you write about, someone is going to be offended because this culture today is offended by EVERYTHING. But you write anyway. Writing wins. Authenticity wins. The end.
My three year old son would agree with your son. He’s been singing “happy happy birthday penis to you to you.” I am simply thankful it is in private and not on the streets but apparently he deems it worthy of frequent celebration.
bwahahahaha thank you I needed that.
Also, maybe ask your helpful positive pitch-in children to wipe down the minivan windows. That first picture…scared me. Because I bike to work sometimes.
Also too, reading the walk-back-the-cat on how ‘pro-penis’ you are was the halcyon moment of a very bad day.
Bahahahaha!!!!!! I can’t breathe… OMG SOOOO Funny!!!!! 😀
Beth,
I have a hard time right now. So many things are going on at the moment that make me really angry, I mean really ANGRY, you know? Plus I have a teenager at home who is A TEENAGER!!! A very selfish, not at all supportive teenager and I was reading your knock-it-off-kid post yesterday evening again AND posted it on my facebook side. And I am playing the I-am-in-charge-card right now which makes me feel powerful and mean at the same time (which is the same thing as feeling miserable) and I think, why does everything always has to be a fight? So I stayed in bed this morning while she had to get up alone and I was not preparing breakfast for her and not sitting with her before school and have a tea and she also had to walk her dog today before going to school (which is not nice because she has to do it at 6 o´clock and normally I do it around 8 before I start working) and I could hear her coming back and preparing some breakfast for herself and talking to her dog and then leaving for school at 6.30. And I thought: HA! This is ME not being supportive! (and feeling miserable) So I got online, on facebook and the first thing I stumbled over on my facebook wall is your post on penisses. And I thought: Oh boy (literally)as if I do not have another 8-year old who is very obsessed with penisses himself at the moment. (I could just relate it to the school who is teaching all girls and boys at his age the first lessons of popfound body issues which makes him coming to me the other day and telling me: you know what a vagina looks like, mummy? Like two wet flannels pressed eogether!)And who is facing a halloween where he is not invited to the hallowwen party where all his friends go to and I have to work that day and his father is not available either (and the teenager is doing her own thing, of course)So here I am to sum it up: miserable with a teenager who feels misunderstood and a 8-year-old who feels alone and me reading a poetry about penisses and I had to laugh so much!!! And my miserable feelings are still there but at least I could start the day laughing!! Thanks for that!
Hang in there.
I was driving past the fire department in our town one day, and there was a sign out front that read, “Independence firemen, YOUNG and BROWN.” I nearly ran off the road before I realized it really said, “Independence Firemen for lucy YOUNG and charles BROWN.” Who were both candidates for city council that year. All I could think was, thank goodness we didn’t have candidates named “Hot” and “Wet!”
Bahaha!
That’s like the time I drove by our local pizza place and they had a sign out front that said “LARGE COWBOY, $10.” They have a pizza called cowboy with sausage, mushrooms, onions and olives, but I took a picture of that sign so that if anything ever happens to Greg, I can hold them to that promise. 😉
There’s a barber shop in Tigard with a neon sign in the window: Men $7.99
Though I’m thinking if you’re guaranteed a cowboy for just $2 more, it might be worth it 😉
Not just any cowboy, Jules. A LARGE Cowboy. I wonder if that’s one of the pizza places that sells Personal Cowboys. My gut tells me no, but oh well.