3 Wise Men and a Virgin Are Coming to My Church; You Should, Too

I’m not saying my church is better than your church, I’m just saying that one pastor at my church (let’s call him “Nate”) recently found another pastor’s email (let’s call him “Paul”) left open and sent a message from Paul to his two adult sons disclosing Paul’s recent breast augmentation surgery.

Which Paul did not have.

Which is why that’s HILARIOUS. 

Gosh, I love my church.

We are weird weirdos who are weird.

And funny.

We are weird weirdos who are weird and funny and not afraid to play.

More churches should try that tack. The whole Be Your Weird Self approach. And Laugh. And Play. Someone should probably elect me President of Church, is what I’m saying. We’d send bizarre emails to each other’s family members. And tuna casserole would be BANNED FOREVER. And the punch would be full strength. And there’d be real half and half for the coffee. And we’d host weekly Beer and Bible Study; heavier on the beer or the Bible, depending on the week. And I’d award bonus points for every person willing to tell an embarrassing story out loud in front of the congregation; it’d be a Regular Sunday Feature like the Offering or Announcements or the Sermon or Prayer… except it would be Embarrassing Story Time and we’d have to provide good quality tissues for laughing ’til we cry, and maybe some inconspicuous absorbent pads on the pews for those of us who laugh ’til pee. And on sunny, warm Sundays, we’d ditch the plan and the building entirely and go lay flat on the lawn, and not care about grass stains or dew or children jumping over our heads, and we’d stare up at the sky and tell wild truths about being both lost and found at the same time, which is grace. 

In addition to being weird weirdos who are weird, though, we have some amazing musicians at my church. Like, professional musicians… recording artists… members of the Portland Symphonic Choir… blah-di-blah-blah blah… and, along with their completely talented musician friends (of whom I’m surprisingly not one), they’ve put together a series of Christmas Concerts which I’m telling you about for two specific reasons.

  1. 3WisemenandaVirginTheir group name is 3 Wise Men and a Virgin** which is, obviously, the VERY BEST name for a 6-person music group EVER. 
  2. 3 Wise Men and a Virgin** are playing in the Portland, Oregon area this weekend, including at my church on Sunday, and I’d love for you to join us for the concert and hang-out time afterwards.


**P.S. The group name is technically not 3 Wise Men and a Virgin. That name was proposed and discarded in favor of “Eclectic Christmas,” which may be more accurately descriptive but isn’t nearly as entertaining. Whatever. I’m still calling it 3 Wise Men and a Virgin, and you can, too.

P.P.S. In case you want more details, here’s the scoop: Eclectic Christmas 3 Wise Men and a Virgin is a Christmas concert for all ages, with music from jazz to folk to blues and everywhere in between. The group is comprised of Aaron Pruitt, Frank Verhoorn, Nate Macy, Nathanael Ankeny, MelissaThomas, and Nolan Staples. Desserts to follow the concert on Sunday evening. $10 suggested donation.

Friday, December 19, 7:00pm: West Hills Friends Church
7425 SW 52nd Ave, Portland, Oregon

Saturday, December 20, 7:00pm: Newberg Friends Church
307 S College St, Newberg, Oregon

Sunday, December 21, 7:00pm: North Valley Friends Church
4020 N College St, Newberg, Oregon

(CAUTION: They’re letting Woolseys attend that last one. You’ve been warned.)

P.P.P.S. All the best bands have riders attached to their contracts so their needs are met. Through secret sources, I obtained a copy of the Backstage Rider for 3 Wise Men and a Virgin. 

The following are the expectations of you as the host for Eclectic Christmas 3 Wise Men and a Virgin:
  1. You will provide cash in the following amounts for our merchandise table: 17 $1 bills, 14 $5, 2 $10, 3.5 $20, 7 $50, 32 $2 bills, and 7 quarters. This can be Monopoly money as the merch table is imaginary.
  2. We will sign autographs provided Nate has a minder since he can’t spell his own name.
  3. We do not require food, but there should be a veggie platter. The platter must not include carrots, broccoli, celery, snap peas, peppers, or cherry tomatoes. 
  4. In and Out Burger is our preferred catering institution. Nolan insists on pickles. Aaron will not eat anything that has been in a bag with any pickle products and consequently will not play due to emotional upheaval.
  5. Melissa requires the green room to literally be green and kept at 65.7 degrees.
  6. Frank prefers to be called Jim.
  7. Nathanael’s children often have serious communicable diseases. They will require oxygen tents but need to be in the front row. There are restraining orders against his parents seeing the kids, so they will need to sit behind the organ and have an usher blindfold them. Nate’s uncle has a violent dislike of Nolan’s mother so they will need to be monitored and seated at least 50 yards from each other.
  8. Our sound person, Joel, will only answer to the Spanish pronunciation of his name and is likely to charge anyone wearing red.
  9. All power outlets will need to be 220 volts with a provided 110 watt diffuser.
  10. We require spouses to be checked in with their names written on masking tape and placed on their backs. Spouses will only be released from the care of the meeting with an approved signature.

P.P.P.P.S. I can’t be held responsible for what I or my children will wear to the concert. I’ve got one who plans to wear her dragon wings and tail, one who’s back in love with his kilt which is now a mini-kilt since it’s 4 sizes too small, and I can’t guarantee I won’t have given up on real clothes and be back in my pajamas by 7pm on Sunday. Just saying – you get what you get, friends, and All Hail the Weird Weirdos Who Are Weird!

P.P.P.P.P.S. I hope to see you there. 






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10 responses to “3 Wise Men and a Virgin Are Coming to My Church; You Should, Too”

  1. I live in Australia, otherwise I’d believe we go to the same church:
    – We have the church jumping castle at our service once a month. (Bouncy Castle?)
    – The pastor & a few other folks are a band called The SuperDads.
    – We even have congregational sharing time each week. (Not Embarrassing Story time, but hey, nobody’s perfect.)
    – We even have dogs at our service sometimes – the 4-legged, furry variety.
    – We meet at 4.30 on a Sunday afternoon so we can all sleep in, go to the beach, have barbeques & go camping with our families.

    I never thought of myself as a ‘Churchy’ person, but this is Church for crazy, busy people who live outside the square.

  2. I don’t really know why I’m sharing this sad story under such an awesome, light hearted blog post, but my most embarrassing moment is forever remembered with sadness, and I was reminded as I pictured myself lying on the grass baring my soul with my nearest and dearest Jesusy friends.

    When I was in 9th grade, I ate a live goldfish in front of the whole summer camp, with the Jr High pastor and two boys. He gave me the opportunity to back down after I saw what it was, but I went through with it. At the time I was proud, but now I’m embarrassed. Also, to be completely real, I knew when it came out the other end. TMI, I know, but completely embarrassing.

    Now the sad part. Said Jr High pastor moved on from that job and I grew and changed, and mostly lost touch with him and his family, until a couple of years ago when he committed suicide after struggling with depression for a long time. So now my embarrassing goldfish memory is dripping with sadness and it feels wrong to tell the first part without the second. Both/and, I suppose.

  3. In defense of my wife, Melissa: is it fair to assume that, because she’s the only woman in the group, that she’s the virgin–or that she’s not wise? I can affirm that she is not the former, but she is the latter. So now the mystery continues. And why not? It is a season of wonder and mystery.

    And let’s hope someone gets Cai a new kilt for Christmas…

  4. You forgot to mention that said church has just nominated you to be an elder. I consider this essay a tribute to your qualifications.

  5. Oh My Word. You are so funny. Seriously. So Friggin Funny. I don’t fit into the Churchy mold, but I’d try it out again if you became pastor. Beer and staring at the sky and oversharing and embarassing stories… I’d be all in. As long as there’s a veggie platter with no cherry tomatoes or peas or carrots or celery sticks. Other veggies. And by “other veggies I mean brownies. Also I prefer to be called Claudia.

  6. Beth,
    I just want to tell you that this may be the first thing I’ve read in my entire life that has made me wish I belonged to a church. The end.

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