The Screw Chart Incident

My husband just came to our bedroom to inform me he printed out a Screw Chart.

I asked if that’s like a Special Advent Calendar for grown-ups but Greg looked at me like I was confused and said slowly, “It’s a Screw Chart for the iPhone,” so then I had to remind him we’ve had conversations with our teenager about this kind of thing, and, specifically, about never, ever (EVER) taking those kinds of pictures or videos on one’s phone because HELLO, INTERNET — you just don’t know where that stuff will end up. GEEZ, Greg.

Greg shook his head and used his I’m Very Disappointed in You face, which, coincidentally, is the exact same face he used last night at the dinner table when I taught our children the very best technique for spitting their vegetables into their napkins without getting caught. Until I stepped in with a solution, they just kept complaining and complaining about eating their vegetables, you guys; SOMEONE HAD TO DO SOMETHING, and Greg’s only offering was, “Eat your vegetables” with an occasional “It’s only TWO BITES; just EAT YOUR VEGETABLES” thrown at ’em for good measure. Listen; I don’t want to imply I’m the more effective parent here, but my method got them to stop complaining about their vegetables and Greg’s, well, didn’t. You be the judge.

The only difference in Greg’s reaction between last night’s Vegetable Debacle and tonight’s Screw Chart Incident is last night’s I’m Very Disappointed in You face made sense because *I* was disappointed in our kids, too. 

I mean, collectively they have 60 years of childhood under their belts; you’d think at least one of them would’ve stumbled on the Wipe Your Mouth and Simultaneously Spit Into Your Napkin technique without having to be given a step-by-step instruction guide, but sometimes our kids aren’t quite as bright as we imagine. Makes even those of us committed to science doubt evolution a little, doesn’t it? 

Now, it’s true that Greg’s I’m Very Disappointed in You face was pointed at me during my selfless Vegetable Heroics last night, but I just assumed his neck was broken/stuck due to the incident earlier in the evening in which he and our son tried to burst through an opaque door at the same time, but headed in opposite directions. Just so you know, that’s a bad combo; I’ll tell you about it later. For now, what’s important to know is Greg’s I’m Very Disappointed in You face was pointed at me last night, but only by accident, I think, and because he neck was stuck.Otherwise, it would obviously have been pointed at the kids where it belonged.

This time, though, during the Screw Chart convo, Greg’s I’m Very Disappointed in You face was directed at me, which is weird because he’s the one who brought the Screw Chart up, and also we were in our ROOM and if you can’t talk openly about Screw Charts in your bedroom with your husband, where CAN you, you know?

Anyway, long story short, Greg says a Screw Chart for the iPhone is a chart that shows you how to assemble and disassemble an iPhone and put all the parts back in the right places when you’re done, but I’m pretty sure that would be called an iPhone Assembly or Disassembly Chart because who would call something like that a Screw Chart? That’s just dumb.

On the other hand, if any of you Pinteresty types are looking for a Christmas project, I have got a GREAT Advent Calendar idea. Just saying.

 

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
20 comments
  1. I don’t get it. What good is an app going to do you when you’ve taken your iphone all apart. You can’t exactly see how to put it together again once it’s all in pieces. Why would one need to disassemble and reassemble an iphone anyway? And agreed, screw chart is a dumb name for that app. I’m sure some Apple nerds were chuckling as they named that one…sheesh.

    Disclaimer: I love nerds; I married one, but they have ridiculously juvenile senses of humor.

  2. Frankly, I’m dissapointed in Greg – who was my hero for letting the kids fill the tub with pee- but now, he clearly needs to make you a real Screw Chart. Silly apps are for kids.

  3. It should at least be called the iScrew chart, to add clarity.

  4. Tell your kids to try asking to go to the bathroom and then spitting their vegetables in the toilet. which worked for my sister Sarah for awhile until my mom figured that one out; Melissa favored hiding her vegetables in her milk, which works as long as the vegetables don’t touch the glass. I was like your kids: I’d whine and complain, but then willingly eat weird vegetables like cooked spinach and lima beans.

    An older friend of mine, who grew up in hotels because her family owned them, said she was in college before she realized that one could serve a vegetable that wasn’t creamed in a bechamel or cheese sauce. Problem solved: I’d eat anything–and I mean ANYTHING–in a bechamel or cheese sauce.

    Now that you’ve introduced Greg to your idea of a Screw Chart, put him onto it: from his math/computer guy brain it could be very interesting. And really, what couple with kids couldn’t use a good Screw Chart?

    1. Ask Greg to consider including in his Screw Chart something involving a bechamel or cheese sauce, because like I said…

  5. I’ve never really gotten into the whole Advent Calendar thing, but I think this is one my husband and I could really embrace.
    And maybe you should make an instructional video for the Wipe Your Mouth and Simultaneously Spit Into Your Napkin technique for future generations who don’t have a knowledgeable Mom to pass it along to them.

  6. Oh my God I might have to invent an Advent Screw Chart and share it with your readers. I don’t know if I’m creative enough for 24 options though.

  7. I’m sitting here chuckling to myself and my 12-year old says “What, Mom?”

    Uhhhh….nothing.

    BWAHAHAAAA! That’s awesome.

  8. Sooo, where can I get that advent calendar again? You know, the SCREW CHART one!! Sounds like a lot of Christmas Fun, Jingle Belling and Hubby Dashing through my… snow, yeah that’s it, Snow!!!

    1. YES, please make the adult screw advent calender! Put it in your store and it will be a best seller in no time! Can i pre-order?

  9. Can’t…stop…laughing…

  10. OMG! Funny. Just plain funny!

  11. I don’t understand why this hasn’t already been invented yet. Surely someone, somewhere has thought of this…

  12. *dies* I and my partner want a Screw Chart Advent Calendar now!!!

  13. I am not mentioning this one to my hubs. He would probably want to take it to the gym and compare it to everyone else’s.

  14. My husband might just become wayyyyy more enthusiastic about the whole advent calendar thing….

  15. You could make millions on the backs of every man’s hopes and dreams! !

    1. On the backs? I suppose there are 25 days…

  16. love it!

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