This is how Christmas break is going…

This isn’t a real post. This is Christmas break. This is Christmas break, and this is how it’s going, in three small bits…

A) We had lovely Christmas. Truly magical. Really rad. Totally awesome. We baked. We wrapped. We cleaned. We unwrapped. We made majestic messes. We were kind to each other just as long as we could stand to be, and now we’re done with all this Quality Family Time.

DONE.

Done-done.

Done ditty done done done.

We’ve peaked. For sure. It’s all downhill from here, man.

Oh, sure, we may have a surge or two; a nice family meal where no one makes retching sounds because “GAG, Mom; you know I HATE cheese sauce,” but by and large it’s all puking noises from here on out, and running straws from our lips to our armpits to make farting noises in our sisters’ faces, and punching our brothers in the nuts because they wrecked Minecraft AGAIN and that totally deserves a good nut-punch.

Even our kid whose sullen communication is more subtle these days has made her feelings known.

Stockings

Yep — that’s every single stocking turned around backwards except hers.

I asked her why, and she said, “I guess that’s Santa’s way of saying he hates everyone except me.” Then she shrugged her What Are You Gonna Do? shrug and brushed her hands together in the universal Pontius Pilate I Wash My Hands of You sign and sauntered off. Probably to light someone on fire. 

B) I am pathologically incapable of not commenting when my kids use up all the toilet paper and don’t replace the roll. 

I tried to not comment yesterday when it happened again.

I did. I really tried.

I sat there staring at the empty cardboard tube and the full roll someone had helpfully plopped on the wet counter 4 inches from the empty roll, and I tried to simply replace the roll myself and say nothing

Saying nothing lasted 12 seconds.

It was like trying to cap a hose. 

I tried, but then my words sprayed all over. 

“This only takes seconds, you guys!” I hollered coming out of the bathroom and raising the toilet paper over my head like the Scepter of Motherhood. “Seconds. SECONDS.”

They all ignored me because they were playing Minecraft and punching each other in the nuts. That’s OK, though; being ignored and watching nut-punching rarely shuts me up. I soldiered on.

“Did I mention that it takes seconds? Because I timed myself, and I can put a new roll on in FOUR. FOUR SECONDS! Why do you not do this?” I cried, “WHY? It take NO time out of your day. It’s SO Not a Big Deal. WHY?”

One of the nut-punchers piped up and said, “Obviously it is a big deal, Mom, or you’d just do it and not complain about it so much.” 

GAaaahhHHH. I just HATE it when my kids are right. 

C) We did family photos.

There we were, all dressed up for the first family photos we’ve taken in 6 years. It’s been SIX YEARS since we last got our poo together enough for group pictures, folks, and we were, I kid you not, clean and groomed, and we even smelled OK, but my youngest had that terrible, fake smile plastered on his face. You know the one that elementary school kids do that looks like they’re half way between a vicious sneeze and losing their breakfast? That’s the one. 

The photographer, bless her kind, Christian heart, asked my kid to think of something that makes him laugh. He lit up, and his eyes sparkled, and he said, “You know what always makes me laugh? Like, every single time? Thinking about that time my mom got mad in the car and yelled, ‘You have got to be fucking kidding me!’” 

 

So, yeah. We’ve got a week to go before school resumes, and you can pray for us.

The End

 

P.S. Are you on break? How’s it going? How are everyone’s nuts? 

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
33 comments
  1. I wish I had read this last week when I wanted to lock myself in a closet for the rest of the week. *sigh* Thank god they are back in school today.

    Last night the oldest monster blew up the younger monster’s house in Minecraft. That alone would cause nut punching. Unfortunately, this time the younger had a house full of puppies, so there was nut punching, hysterical crying, and viscous laughter. *double sigh*

    Oldest was in bed by 6pm last night, which was awesome. Until he woke up at 3am.

    Happy New Year! I need a nap.

  2. Sometimes I swear we’re long lost soul sisters.

  3. So, as homeschoolers, the Family Togetherness thing isn’t a big change from normal, but not having assignments to do *is* different, and somehow makes everyone less likely to do their daily chores with grace. Having the kids home hasn’t really been the issue…

    The real issue is playing hostess to 4 out-of-town guests for nearly 2 weeks. Just strangle me now!

  4. I must say, I was totally laughing WITH you at C. Precious moments I tell ya!
    Let’s see. Hubby has taken more days off than ever before, and I’m not in a rush for him to return, so yeah us. My kids are getting older (12 &10) so maybe that’s why they’re not making me want to go outside for a Mommy time out. We’re enjoying playing a multitude of new games – not even the video games, I mean board games, card games, etc. so I’d say that’s a big WIN. Of course, we have the general emotional roller coaster of tears, anger, and eye rolling with ANY request to do ANYTHING (because you know, putting up clean dishes is hard time around here), but all in all, I’d say we’re having the best Christmas break ever. Thank you for sharing so we know we’re not alone in the world!! Happy New Year!! 🙂

  5. I also am in Australia with another 4 weeks to go. I’m in sub-tropical Queensland where is 36 degrees C (97 F) with 90% humidity.

    Hubby has been in hospital with an obstructed kidney (like a kidney stone, only worse), has had one surgery & another to come. His mother has also been in hospital after a fall, but in another town. I’m telling you, the next time I get married, I’m getting the groom and his entire family through a complete medical check before I promise anything as rash as “in sickness and in health” ….

    The kids are worried about dad, hot, cranky and sick of each other. Mum is worried, hot, cranky and sick of kids who won’t do what I ask. My lot put new toilet paper on the holder, but then leave the empty roll on the floor. FOLKS: THE BIN IS BESIDE THE TOILET! YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO GET UP!

    1. New Year update: spent NYE in the emergency room with hubby. All we want for 2015 is a boring year!

  6. Hi this actually has nothing to do with this particular post but I want to throw an idea I have out and get other peoples thoughts and opinions. So I have been making my daughter skirts out of some of my old never going to wear again clothes. Well I have been thinking about maybe trying to make and sell some. Every skirt would obviously be completely unique and one of a kind as all the material will be being recycled from something else. Currently I don’t have a sewing machine so everything is completely done by hand. Which yes means sometimes the seams are not always completely straight but thats also why I do my best to use thread that blends in to the colors of the fabric. So dos any one think this is a decent idea? Would any body be interested in such a thing or I’m I just a little crazy. Completely possible which is why I am honestly asking for your guys input. I do not always trust my random thoughts.

    1. Sounds very cute. You should check out the website Etsy. It was started for people with ideas just like yours; small-scale crafters displaying to a world-wide audience. Good luck!!

  7. Wait a minute–you said one of the KIDS didn’t change the roll. Does that mean that you actually have a husband that changes the roll or was he just not around so it is unlikely he was the guilty one? Please, I need to know. Because if there is hope that maybe husbands are capable of changing the rolls… I am also completely incapable of just letting it go – we even have the pivoting kind where you can CHANGE IT WITH ONE HAND in only 2 seconds. No luck.

  8. We’ve still got four weeks to go on school holidays here in Australia. They’ve already been on holidays for two weeks. Four weeks. Who thought kids needed that long a holiday? Not a mother with more than one kid.

    But so far we’ve avoided a trip to the hospital, so all going better than normal. I keep waiting for the scream but maybe now they’re teenagers it will be screamless. Now Saturday, that’s going to be the challenge day.

    A car trip to Papa’s house to meet his new girlfriend. The kids don’t want to go. I don’t want to go. But we are going to go and pretend to be happy and normal because we all love my husband. And hubby meeting the woman who is reorganising his mothers house (she died 3 years ago) is going to be hard for him. So we are practicing like crazy how to be normal, happy and supportive. Really hoping the drills work, but at this point, kids 3 and 4 are having a hard time with normal. Kid 1 can’t do happy and kid 2 won’t even try supportive. Hoping like anything that we can do this. If only to make hubby feel loved that we are trying so hard. Just for him.

    Going slightly crazy and really hoping that in all of this insaneness someone remembers its my birthday. Because its early evening and no one has said a word. which after I type it sounds petty but what the hell. It would be nice.

    1. Happy Birthday!

      1. Thank you Ruth.

    2. Happy birthday from across that pond 🙂

    3. Happy Birthday Nicole! I loved your comment. Cracked me up. Of course I’m laughing WITH you, not AT you. 😉 Happy New Year.

    4. Thank you ladies.

      Your birthday wishes were the only ones that arrived on my actual birthday. Hubby woke up at 2 am, sitting bolt upright in bed, and yelled Damn it I forgot. Don’t know why he had to wake me up but at least he finally remembered.

      Love you all ladies. You all make this whole mother thing so much easier. Now back to practicing normal, happy and supportive.

      Nicole

      1. Hi Nicole

        Another Aussie here – just north of Brisbane.

        We haven’t avoided the hospital, but have had patients in 3 different ones!

        I have my fingers crossed for your big visit & will be thinking of you on Saturday.

        Hope your Christmas and Birthday turned out well, and your New year is awesome.

        xxxx

  9. BAHAHA HA!!!! When he said that it was all I could do to keep a straight face!!!!

  10. Our 9 year old lab was hit by a car 3 days before Christmas, thankfully he survived and even kept trying to chase the ball he was after. So in addition to regular Christmas chaos with 4 kids, we are having to watch the dog like Hawks because he keeps sneaking off to rip off his bandages. Fa la la

  11. So glad you posted. I was beginning to wonder where you were. Your posts are my reminder that we are not alone as we walk this crazy life and I needed my fix 🙂
    We are on a sort of break. Crazy homeschooling mom here so no school to send them back to.
    I can’t walk through my house without stepping on some new toy, puzzle piece, lego, or the wrapping from any/all of the above.
    I spent most of today forcing my kids to stay outside while I vacuumed out the car. Note to self- if you ever attempt to clean the car again, wear a hazmat suit.
    On the fun gift side, my in-laws bought my son a drum set. A drum set. Have I mentioned that I homeschool my kids? All five of them? Five kids, home all day, with a drum set. Thankfully it’s still in its box. If it ever gets set up I might be hopping on a plane.

  12. Hey! My brother has that exact same stocking! I have the music room one, but I don’t think I got it until after I graduated college. My youngest brother’s stocking only has cross stitch on the cuff, and the grandchildren got downgraded to quilted stockings. I love Just Cross Stitch, but my 37-year-old eyes are not as excited about it as they used to be. (We had a lovely Christmas, except for being sad for my sad friends. Holidays suck for some people.)

  13. My husband is watching his 4th straight hour of history channel. Now he is learning about how the world will end and has asked us to be quiet. So, it is not my fault that I choked on my tea trying not to laugh out loud at your post. We are home together for 2 straight weeks, husband and two children. So far there has only been one small oven fire and the normal amount of swearing. We even survived a six hour car trip with only one threat of death. I feel like maybe we are growing up.

    1. This makes me deliriously happy, Melissa. Sounds like our kind of awesome, fun family time together.

  14. I managed to get moved, get unpacked, new house cleaned, old house cleaned, everything hung up on the walls except eight things that require a stud finder/studs, decorated for Christmas, wrapped all the gifts and cooked a huge meal on Christmas day!!! Tree is down and all decorations put away, returns done to stores and finally relaxing a little bit. All of this since 12/9!! All of this by myself with virtually no help.

  15. Are those stockings all cross-stitched?! I’d love to see the other side of them!

    1. Yep. Poor planning on my part. I started cross stitching stockings when I thought we were the Reasonable kind of people who have 2 (MAYBE 3) kids. BAHAHAHA! My twins had to wait ’til Christmas Eve of last year, when they were 7 years old, before their stocking matched everyone else’s. BUT I DID IT! WOOHOO! I’ll see if I can muster up a picture of the stockings facing the right way. 🙂

      This is the book I used: http://www.amazon.com/Heirloom-Christmas-Stockings-Cross-Stitch-Magazine/dp/0696205114/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1419906302&sr=8-1&keywords=heirloom+Christmas+stockings Although I bought it in 1995 while it was still in print and didn’t cost one hundred gazillion dollars. :/

      1. My friend made all those stocking for her family, and for the last one asked me to sew it up. I’m fairly good at that sort of project so I agreed and she agreed to make dozens of cake balls for my husband to give his employees. She chose to put the sew-in piping/cording around each one. That stocking got the best of me! I said all the cuss words multiple times, instituted every seam two or three times and put the lining in backwards. Took me two Christmases to get it to look nice. I learned perseverance and many other semi spiritual lessons making that sucker. Also that I never want to make another stocking again! Props to you for stitching all of them! And, I love your blog.

      2. 1. Very cool that you cross-stitch…I do too!
        2. Super cool you responded to my comment!
        3. I think maybe 1+2 means I’m dorky
        4. Pictures of stockings?! 🙂

  16. My kids all got new computer games for Christmas. I keep hearing belly laughs from the bedrooms, so I assume they are still in there, but I don’t see much of them.

    Except at meal time. They really come barreling out then!

    There has been bickering. There’s been nut-punching, and complaints about being forced to share family dinners. There’s been awesome teenage-boy bear hugs, and I love yous, and staying up all night and then sleeping till noon. All in all, it’s been good.

  17. Well, we just got back from a week at grandma’s house with all the fun that could be had and the first full day home… Yeah. There may have been some hair pulling and some shrieking (possibly mine) and a million reminders of the golden rule. In short, send help!

  18. Yes we also have nut punching (well really it is more…. kicking or they pinch each other or twist arms) and it is usually over a football or someone using up the last of the milk rather than Minecraft… but yes.

  19. Well, there are half finished craft projects on nearly every flat surface ( and none of them are mine).

  20. One week to go! Lots of bickering around here. Lots of food eaten (I really think they eat way more when they are not in school). But we have also played cards, ridden bikes (not normal this time of year in MI), slept in (!), and introduced our children to “A Christmas Story.”
    In order to maintain my sanity, tomorrow I plan to get Starbucks and then go grocery shopping all by myself. I may even go home afterwards, who knows?

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