I feel a little bad titling this post “Housekeeping” because I’m afraid it might give the false impression it’s about keeping house, a subject I’m patently unqualified to discuss since I’m exceedingly pathetic at the whole lot of it. However, if you clicked on the title hoping for some advice (or, more accurately, some quick ways to feel way, WAY better about your housekeeping by laughing at mine), you can disregard the rest of this and go to one of the following links, instead:

• So Your Bathroom Smells Like Pee
• How to Organize a Linen Closet
• The Directly Proportional Law of Housekeeping
• In Support of Ironing Abstinence
• The (Actually Serious) Five Kids Guide to Home Organization

Alright, that said, let’s proceed with some housekeeping for the blog. Small updates on what’s been happening. Some updates on what’s to come.

1. A Story: Why Twin Brothers Suck

   Today is January 5th; also known as The Day the Kids Went Back to School.
   
   At this point, I’d normally say, OH MY WORD, PRAISE JESUS AND ALL THE SAINTS… and GOD BLESS TEACHERS… and WOO to the HOO, YEEHAW, and PARTY ON, DUDES… except I had one little 2nd grade boy in tears this morning, not sure he was ready to return.
   
   He wasn’t recalcitrant or disobedient or obstinate, or even whiny and complaining. Instead, he was just quietly brokenhearted with tears slipping down his soft cheeks, hugging his teddy bear, Beary, whom he wasn’t sure he could leave behind. My mama heart sunk which is another way of saying he totally ruined all my plans to rejoice and skip away from the school and dance a jig in the parking lot. Ruined them completely, since now I’m left wondering whether he’s OK. 
   
   The only way I got Cael to school sans break-down, in fact, was by telling him he could take Beary along. “There’s no reason you can’t just put Beary in your backpack, Man. Would it make you feel better to bring him with you?”
   
   Cael sniffled and said that would help, which is when his pesky twin brother said, righteously, “Except we’re not allowed to bring toys from home.”
   
   “I’m sure it’s fine to bring Beary just for today,” I said.
   
   And Cai said, “Nope. No toys from home. It’s the rule.”
   
   And I said, “Well, then; good thing Cael’s leaving Beary in his backpack ’cause then no one will know.”
   
   And Cai said, “And that would be a good solution except we’re supposed to follow the rules even when no one’s looking, MOM.” Which is a GREAT thing for a kid to know and it’s AWESOME that he has convictions, and, of course, we want to honor that kind of thinking because it’ll totally keep him off of drugs and from robbing the liquor store one day, but GEEZ, kid; give your brother a break.

   So, when Cai wasn’t looking, I smuggled Beary into Cael’s backpack, winked at Cael and said, “I won’t tell if you won’t.” And he winked back and said, “DEAL.” 

   All of which is to say, having a twin brother sometimes sucks, and if Cael grows up to rob the liquor store, now you’ll know where it all began. 

2. A Photo: A Dog and Her Boy

   I told you just before Christmas about our oldest boy’s new service dog, Zoey. I’m trying not to totally overreact, but she’s perfect, and I love this pair so much I can’t stand it.

   

3. A Photo: Diversion

   This is a picture of Greg and me last week. I have the least number of double chins in this photo than of any other recently taken.

   
   Also, this one nicely cuts off my butt so I’m using this to distract you from the next photo. Let me know if it works.

4. An Update: On Jeans

   Speaking of butts, yes I DID get the jeans I special ordered from the made-to-fit company following the Great Pants Splitting Episode of 2014, and I DO like them, but I keep delaying updating you because it means more butt pics, and I’m having to gear up for that.

   It’s not the posting of the pictures that’s so awful. I’ll get there; I promise. (I PROMISE to show you more pictures of my rear, Internets, because mine is totes the kind of rear one looks up online.) It’s the fact that I have to find a human being and ask him or her to take photos of my butt.

   I mean, it’s one thing to discover your pants have split and have likely been split for hours while you run errands around town, and then, while still in shock, shove a phone in your husband’s hands to snap a pic.

   It’s an entirely different mental process, I assure you, to plan a Butt Photo Shoot, so you’ll have to wait a tad longer.

   In the meantime, it’s important to know a) MakeYourOwnJeans.com works as advertised, b) you shouldn’t cheat on your thigh size or the thigh parts of your jeans might end up snug, c) the fabric and construction are extremely high quality, d) it takes longer to get them (5-6 weeks with back pocket embroidery which adds time) than I would like, and e) I’ve ordered a second pair with *ahem* bigger thighs.

5. Facebook and a Skin Tag Named Harold

   I updated you on the Five Kids Facebook page about Harold, my armpit skin tag. It’s important you join our Facebook community or you won’t get useless, gross and somewhat disturbing updates like these. Just thought you should know. Because I love you.

6. NEWS: I Might Be Coming to a City Near You in 2015 (California and Australia in January!)
   
   I might be coming to a city near you sometime this year, and I would LOVE, love, LOVE to meet you in person. Thanks to my parents, whom I love and with whom I’m well pleased, I get to TRAVEL this year. I’m not traveling for anything writing or book-related; just traveling to see what we can see, and would love to see YOU. I’m positively GIDDY with excitement, and I’ll give you updates on locations as I know more. 

   THIS Friday, January 9th, I’ll be in the Fullerton area of Southern California. If you want to meet for a bring-your-own lunch in a park nearby, please email me at fivekidsisalotofkids@gmail.com with “SoCal Meet-Up” in the subject line so we can work out details. 

   On Monday, January 19th, I’ll be in Sydney, Australia along with my daughter, Abby. (I KNOW – I can’t believe it, either!) If you’d like to hang out for the day, please email me at  fivekidsisalotofkids@gmail.com with “Sydney Meet-Up” in the subject line. We have a hang-out plan I’d love to send you.

Those are my updates! It’s been a LONG few weeks of Winter Break full of glorious, grimy, grouchy, messy, mucky, magnificent time focused on my family, and I’m as sad as I am eager to move on to the mundane and magical days ahead. How are YOU? What are YOUR updates?