Dear Reader,
My twin 8-year-old boys asked to guest post on this blog. What a great learning opportunity, I thought. What a wonderful way to pass my craft on to my children, I thought. And so I agreed and set about creating parameters for them.
“Yes, you may guest post,” I said, “but — BUT — you will need to pick an important topic, you will spell words correctly, you will have a POINT, you will have reasons for that point, you will have a conclusion, and it will be about something that will improve the lives of other children.” In other words, none of the parameters I have for my own writing because DO WHAT I SAY, kids, NOT WHAT I DO, which is hypocritical, yes, but it’s the same way I treat drinking milk out of the carton — OK for me, not OK for you hooligans — so I’m being consistent, see?
In conclusion, my boys wrote an important essay on penis tendons — in which they spell words correctly, have a point, have reasons for that point, and have a conclusion — so that they might improve the lives of other children.
Please make sure your children read it.
You’re welcome.
Sincerely,
An Important Essay on Penis Tendons
by Cai and Cael Woolsey
This is a bull’s full size penis tendon.
It is made out of a full grown bull’s penis tendon.
You make this by killing a bull and taking out the penis tendon and drying it out. Or you can buy it at the pet store.
Sometimes we called it a buffalo’s penis tendon, but it is not a buffalo’s penis tendon. It is from a bull which is a boy cow.
Sometimes we called it a bull’s penis intestine, but it is not one of those because penises do not have intestines.
A bull’s penis tendon is for your dog to chew on, but it is also for you to play 
with.
You can use a bull’s penis tendon
for many things.
You can use it as a spear because it’s really, really stiff.
You can poke people with it.
You can use it as a flag pole.
You can use it to bend it to regain your strength.
You can use it to see how far down water is.
You can use it to rest your arms.
If your fan stopped, you can push it with the penis tendon.
You can use it as a fishing pole.
You can chew on it until your mom says to stop it.
You can use it as a walking stick.
You can use as a ninja stick.
You can stick it into the ground and mark where something is.
You can whack bugs and other things with it, because it is a really good whacker.
You feel happy when you play with a penis tendon.
We learned about penis tendons about a week ago at the pet store. We did not know about this before.
It is important that other kids can know about penis tendons because you can use it for many things, and it’s fun to play with.
The End
54 responses to “An Important Essay on Penis Tendons by Two 8-Year-Old Boys”
Great job, boys! You should be proud of yourselves. You write heads above some of the college students in my college level science course. Keep up the great work!
This blog made my day. I was in a super pissy mood and my sister sent this to cheer me up. It did the trick. Your boys are amazing.
If laughter truly is the best medicine then this blog post will cure just about anything!
My kids are totally going to want a bull penis tendon. Thank you, Boys!
My husband enjoyed this informative and enthusiastic post as much as I did. What literary genius!
Oh my goodness. They are very good writers, you should be proud! 😉
I am glad my son is just turning one, so I have some warning before HE wants to bring home dehydrated penises.
I just sent this to my paramedic husband, he & his coworkers will enjoy this very much!
Well. Never let it be said that you don’t learn something new every day.
I thought I was the only one with the milk jug double standard
It is right up there with the rule about eating only one cake a day
One other use for bully sticks: they often make adult men a bit nervous. Not sure if it’s envy for the size or worry about the dogs’ obvious relish for chewing on them.
Scarey thought for the day – everything SHRINKS when it dries. Now, just visualize….
“You can chew on it until your mom says to stop it.” I just started howling. But I am in my office. In a school. So I can’t tell anyone why I’m laughing.
Great story. Fun discussion.
I see blogging genius runs in the family! 😉
This is quite easily the best thing I’ve read ALL DAY. Well done. Funny AND informative! LOLOLOL
Good luck, Mama. You need it! 😉
Very funny! I found this article when I looked up this subject. Might want to tell them not to chew on it. http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/01/28/dog-treat-made-from-bull-penis-may-pose-health-risks/
Please, please, please tell me your boys know what an oosik is! If not, boy are they in for a treat. I grew up in Alaska and have always known about these…special items….http://styleblueprint.com/nashville/everyday/oosik-jewelry-fossilized-peter-jewelry/
I agree– oosik education is a must at this point. Here’s the splendid oosik poem.
ODE TO AN OOSIK
Strange things have been done in the Midnight Sun
and the story books are full,
But the strangest tale concerns the male
magnificent walrus bull!
I know it’s rude, quite common and crude,
perhaps it is grossly unkind;
But with first glance at least, this bewhiskered beast,
is as ugly in front as behind.
Look once again, take a second look – then
you’ll see he’s not ugly or vile –
There’s a hint of a grin, in that blubbery chin –
and the eyes have a sly secret smile.
How can this be, this clandestine glee
that exudes from the walrus like music?
He knows, there inside, beneath blubber and hide
lies a splendid contrivance – the Oosik!
“Oosik” you say – and quite well you may,
I’ll explain if you keep it between us,
in the simplest truth, though rather uncouth,
Oosik is, in fact, his penis!
Now the size alone of this walrus bone,
would indeed arouse envious thinking –
it is also a fact, documented and backed,
There is never a softening or shrinking!
This, then, is why the smile is so sly,
the walrus is rightfully proud.
Though the climate is frigid, the walrus is rigid,
Pray, why, is not man so endowed?
Added to this, is a smile you might miss –
Though the bull is entitled to bow –
The one to out-smile our bull by a mile
is the satisfied walrus cow!
(by: Unknown)
This is the most awesome poem ever.
I was going to share this but you beat me to it. My dad worked for the State of Alaska for many years and has an oosik gavel. He’s recited this poem for me on more than one occasion. Thanks for the memories 🙂
Well done boy. I’ve been educated. Not sure this was on the list of things I needed to know but I’m sure I’m better off somehow.
This is TOTALLY HILARIOUS!!!
It reminds me of the time my daughter and I visited Medieval Times in Anaheim, CA. She was about 5, going on 20 at the time. She saw a stallion with an erect penis that hung down to the floor. She asked me what that was, as she pointed and stared at it. Well, my words came back to bite me in the butt.
She decided to “educate” a pair of women who were snickering at the stallion’s erect penis. Vanessa very matter-of-factly explained to the women that “the horse was tired and had reeled out his ‘kickstand’ to prop him up while he rested.” The women looked at me and laughed even harder as my daughter raised her hand and gestured to the stallion as though she had just completed a serious lecture.
Vanessa is now 15 and laughs at that story and asks me “why the heck did you tell me his PENIS was a KICKSTAND?!?”
Now that we have been educated on its actual anatomical position, I’m sure no one will ever chew on it again. I’m not sure if penises have tendons but I know that whale penises have an actual bone in them. Maybe you could get your boys one of those too..!! Just be careful that if they’re going to use that as a whacker they not use it on each other. Cheers!
I’m crying laughing over this… because of two reasons: 1. They showed them to me at the Providence walk on Tuesday AND explained to me about them, and I was laughing so hard, thinking they were being so creative with sticks. Yup… really thought they were sticks, not ACTUAL bull penis tendons, or ACTUAL bull penis’ as stated above. and 2. I finally figured out why you looked so familiar! I love your blog. You keep it real. Your boys, your dad and your dog are just as cool as you are. Thank you for letting them express themselves!
I like the one with the penis on the back of his neck. My wife is going to your conference in May. I’m really worried sick.
You worry because you’re wise. 😉
I WANT ONE.
So, my large animal veterinarian husband tells me that this is not a bull’s penis tendon but instead is a bull’s ACTUAL penis. And I believe him on this point because he is a real actual veterinary professor, the kind that teaches anatomy to actual veterinary students. And to further educate your boys, tell them that these have also been historically made into a walking stick/cane. (Google “bull penis walking stick” – I couldn’t make this up. You can buy them on etsy.)
I love your boys. This totally made my day.
Wait! WHAT? This changes EVERYTHING. Now they’ll have to change “penis tendon” to just “penis.” EVEN BETTER.
P.S. Do penises even have tendons?
yep, it’s true! My grandpa used to make bull penis canes!!! He died when I was five, so I never got one, but my husband now has one passed down from HIS grandpa, which was actually made by MY grandpa decades before we even knew each other! So now I am the proud part-owner of a bull penis cane. 🙂
I need to move next door to you so we can be best friends! This is one of the best blog posts I’ve read 😀
No. Words. Thank you God for blessing me with one child (a girl)….. I think.
I’m dying. DYING. I love this so much. Thank you Beth. You inspire us other parents out here in the dark wondering why our child, after breaking wind spectacularly loudly in the produce section, chose to explain equally loudly to everyone at the grocery that his farts don’t smell today, only mom’s farts smell today, because I farted when I bent over to get the cereal in the kitchen this morning and he smelled it.
Now I can’t stop laughing at this comment. Hilarious!