25 Signs the Mombie Apocalypse Is Upon Us

Listen; I know we don’t want to believe it. I know we’re in denial. I know we like to think it’s not that bad. But, friends. FRIENDS. I think we need to face reality, take some deep breaths and acknowledge the Mombie Apocalypse is upon us. 

Now, I’ve written about being a Mombie before. Like when trying to answer questions which were once straightforward. Once obvious. Once easy. Questions like How are you? and Do you want a receipt? and What’s for dinner? and Are you finished in the bathroom?

SOMETIMES I DON’T KNOW.

I’m not trying to avoid the questions; I just honestly have no idea. None. 

But I admit I hadn’t realized how far spread the Mombie epidemic has become. How many of us are affected. How deeply rooted in society Mombism now is. Not until you started sharing, momrades. Not until you confessed did I realize WE MUST LET THE WORLD KNOW. Not to eradicate Mombism, of course, because HAHAHAHAHA… good luck with that… but to let our fellow momrades know WE DO NOT SUFFER ALONE. No. There are thousands of us out here, bumbling along, longing for brains.

In case, you, like me, would appreciate some hard evidence, here are:

25 Signs the Mombie Apocalypse Is Upon Us

1. We don’t know how to check out at the store. “Target is the worst… I usually end up standing there like the now extinct Do do Bird, looking at the cashier waiting for the receipt….while she’s waiting for me to answer the machine this MIND BOGGLING question, ‘Do you want it all on one card?’ YES, DAGNABBIT, Just let me Mother Flipping check out.” Bethany

“I have actually yelled at that swiper thing at Target. “OH MY GOD YES I WANT IT ALL ON THE EFFING CARD WHY DO YOU THINK I JUST SWIPED IT CASH BACK ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHEN WILL THIS INTERROGATION END?!”” Kimberly

2. We don’t know how to shave our legs. “Standing in the shower holding the razor, thinking “which leg did I already shave….either? Right? Left? Neither? Both?” Eyes not focused enough to see which had a week’s worth of stubble….finally after about five minutes of stupidly standing there, it occurred to me that I could probably feel them to tell the difference.” Cher

3. We don’t know where we put our cell phones. “I have wandered my home or driving my car, talking on my cell phone while simultaneously looking for my cell phone.” Laura

4. We don’t know when our children were born. “The lady on reception at my doctor’s surgery thinks I am a terrible mother because I couldn’t answer this simple question: What’s your daughter’s date of birth? It took 10 minutes to established which daughter we were discussing and work out which month goes with which date.” Gemma

5. We don’t know our children’s names. “My oldest son is Robbie and my husband is Frank. Do you think I can get them straight??? The other three sons have J names. Really, who thought this was a good idea?? I can usually get my daughter’s name right, but there are times even she gets called by the wrong name. Let’s face it, I gave my brain away.” Cindy

“I’ve been known to address my children as “whoever you are” when, having gone through all 4 names, I still can’t get the correct name out.” Manic Mama

6. We buy things and don’t take them home. “When I was pregnant, I went to the supermarket to do a big weekly shop. On my way out, I returned the trolley and took my token, walked to the car and had the sense that something was amiss. Face bright red, I walked back in and reinserted the trolley token so that I could this time take out my bags of groceries before driving home.”

7. We forget where we put the baby. “Days after I had my second son I was (stupidly) attempting to leave the house for a friend’s son’s birthday party. After probably hours of preparation to leave, I was locking the door to our house when I was struck with panic: I forgot the baby! I remember saying out loud, “Oh my god, where’s the baby?!” My 7 year old son looked at me like I was nuts and calmly said, “He’s right there”. I was carrying my newborn in my other arm.” Summer

8. We’re not sure where the dirty diapers go. “I find myself standing in front of the diaper pail, holding the baby in one arm and a dirty diaper in my other hand, and think to myself, “Okay, now slow down. This is not like putting the milk in the pantry instead of the fridge, it’s important to get this one right on the first try.”” Vanessa

9. We can’t remember where we put the steering wheel. “When I was pregnant, I visited my husband at work, then went out to the car to go home. I opened the door and stood there wondering where the steering wheel had gone. Then, I had a chuckle at myself and walked around to the other side of the car and opened the door. Now I was stumped, there was no steering wheel on that side either. Then I realised, the steering wheel was on the other side of the car and I had opened the BACK door instead of the front.” Lisa

10. We can’t understand questions, much less answer them. “A couple of months ago, after buying groceries at the local produce store, the cashier asked “Do you want a copy?” obviously referring to the receipt. Obvious except to my sleep-deprived brain. I asked him to repeat what he said because I thought he asked, “Do you want a coffee?” Even the second time he said it, that’s what I heard. I was so confused…Why is he offering me coffee right now? I don’t drink coffee, but I don’t want to insult him. Is he asking me out for coffee, and if so, WHY, because my husband and kids and I go to that store all the time and have had several conversations with this man, who seems to be married to one of the other people who works there! I stammered and blushed and made some unintelligible sounds until he took mercy on me, pointed to the receipt machine and carefully enunciated every word, “Do you want a copy of your receipt?” Ah, right.” Andrea

11. We can’t remember which way the Letter S goes. “The other day, I couldn’t remember which way the letter “S” goes. I wasn’t writing it, just thinking about it, not sure why it was on my mind, then I started to panic – I’ve been writing S for like 35 years.” Kelly

12. We don’t know if the kids took a nap. Stop asking stupid questions. “Last night my husband asked me if the twins took a nap. I said firmly, no. WAIT! Yes. WAIT!! No? YES! He looked at me like I was insane.” Robin

13. We go to appointments we’ve already gone to. “Yesterday (Tuesday), I took the bus from work to a physiotherapy appointment, only the appointment was LAST Tuesday. Yes, I went to the appointment last Tuesday, too.” Gaylin

14. We make teeny, tiny messes. “Last night, I put the ice cream in the pantry instead of the freezer. It was quite a surprise this morning. And gross.” Tiffany

15. We can’t remember how to drive our kids to the schools they’ve been going to for years. “I drive my kids to school EVERY DAY. First the middle schooler and 45 minutes later the 3 elementary schoolers. We have had this routine for Two YEARS. My 13 yo now has on an endless loop as we come to the stoplight to leave our neighborhood “left turn mom; drivers side; we are going left to the middle school; no mom the other way; left turn mom” because otherwise automatic pilot kicks in and I turn right to drive to the elementary school.” Katrina

16. We have to make in-depth assessments and risk management plans before we can complete critical tasks like peeing. “Often when I sit down to pee, I assess everything. “OK, the toilet seat is up. My pants are down,” etc., because my brain is so destroyed that peeing just feels wrong and I’m positive I’ve missed a crucial step in the urination process and I’m about to feel warmth in my pants or pooling at my feet.” Ashley

17. We need a little help from our friends. “We just bought some chickens and I’ve been reading up on them. I couldn’t for the life of me work out what a “roo” was – I’m sitting there thinking, it’s not a kangaroo; what the heck does this word mean? Eventually, I asked a friend, and he looked at me and very slowly said…ROOster. Seriously, I have two university degrees.” Sim

18. We can’t get dressed without assistance. “I went to church with my dress unzipped. Not just a little bit and I may it through a very welcoming crowd that way before someone I didn’t know pressed herself up against me to zip it. We’re totally friends now.” Heather

19. We never forget a face. “I USED to pride myself on never forgetting a face. Once I birthed that second baby though, my memory just flushed itself. I am constantly seeing people and thinking, “how the “h” do I know them?” I spend long periods of time staring at their faces trying to remember. When my kids were much smaller we took them to a children’s museum in the Los Angeles area. This man, who I kept seeing at every turn, was SO familiar, but I couldn’t place how I knew him. We kept making eye contact and I knew he was thinking the same thing. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and I asked him, “Have we met before?” and he replied (with a nervous little laugh), “uh, I don’t think so.” My husband grabbed my elbow, steering me away and whispering, “That’s Brendan Frasier!” Ugh.” Anjanette 

20. We really need people to direct traffic and not rely on our brains. “I’m ok when a traffic light doesn’t change. If it is red, I’ll stop (especially if people are already stopped). If it is green, I’ll go. But if I am driving toward a light and it CHANGES?? I am flummoxed. I really have to think hard which color tells me what.” Em

“How about the times when you stop for a red light, then go as if it’s a stop sign and it’s your turn? Or slow down for a green light? That one gets me a lot.” Margaret

“YES! The green light slow down. And the more I do it the more I keep doing it. It’s like my brain has altered the meaning of green.” Laurie

“Or when you stop at a stop sign and wait for the light to turn green, and all the other cars pile up waiting for you to go, but the light (that you can see down the street half a block) is still red, so you don’t go until people start honking and you realize… oh, right. Stop sign.” Betty

21. We forget to bathe. Or we bathe extra well. “I’ve spent many mornings in the shower doing this, “Did I forget to wash my hair? I think I did. I better wash it to be sure. Wait, I remember doing this 5 minutes ago. Crap! Now I’m going to be late for work because I just washed my hair AGAIN!” At least my hair is really clean.” Laurie

“YES. I do this ALL THE TIME. Get in the shower, shampoo hair, forget I shampooed, shampoo again, ask myself: “WAIT. Did I shampoo yet?”, think about it for a while, shampoo again just in case, reach for the conditioner, PAUSE, “Did I shampoo? I think I’ve been in here for awhile. I must have.” Then I repeat the whole process with the conditioner. I have the cleanest hair EVER.” Nita

22. Those gadgets that unlock things… suck. “I recently tried fervently to unlock the front door of my house using the remote car unlock button do-hickey. I couldn’t understand why the darn door wasn’t unlocking. Took me several clicks to figure it out.” EConnell

23. We’re not sure how sunscreen works. “Yesterday, my brain shut down beyond questions. I forgot to put sunscreen on my (super white red haired) daughter and we were outside ALL DAY. Finally, around 5ish, I looked at her and thought, “pink”. And I couldn’t figure out why I would be thinking about “pink” and it took way too long to realize that I was thinking “pink” because that was the color of her cheeks and her arms. And then I realized I had forgotten sunscreen. And then I tried to remember if I could put sunscreen on her right then to “reverse” all the sun she had soaked up that had turned her so pink. I literally could not remember if that was how sunscreen worked or not.” Angie

24. We say cucumber and mean excuse me. OBVIOUSLY. “In the grocery store I wanted to say “excuse me” to a woman as I passed her but I said, “Cucumber,” instead. (I was thinking of cucumbers!)” Hillary

25. Hedgehogs are just completely confusing. “I had to actually think whether a hedgehog has four or six legs.” Outi

In conclusion, momrades, it’s OK. YOU’RE OK. Technically, yes, you’re operating without a brain. And sure, there’s probably no cure other than weeks and weeks of regular sleep, which we’re unlikely to get. Neverthless, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, momrades. You are not alone, bumbling around here. You are not alone. We are right here with you, sitting in the mud, holding hands, and waving to you in the dark

X’s and O’s, friends. X’s and O’s.

Signature

ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
29 comments
  1. Yes,Yes,Yes……to all. Additionally before going for grocery shopping,I always make list & almost always forget it at home.
    Thank you so much for letting me know I’m not alone

  2. Thank you, Thank you!
    for 16 years, i thought i was the only person in the world who lost the baby while holding her!
    i actually lost her twice, once when i forgot i had put her down for her nap, and once when all the kids ran out of our yard and left the front gate open and i panicked that she had in that second left the yard (no, she was not old enough to walk, but she was old enough to pat me on the chest when i was yelling “where’s the baby? where’s the baby???” and say “i here mommy…”

  3. Thank you so much for posting this!! I found it almost impossible not to snort from laughter while reading this at work. I am right there with the rest of you Mombies. It’s always a relief to know that we aren’t in this alone. God bless you all for keeping it real.

  4. Like everyone else, I am so relieved to know it’s not just me and I am embracing the theory that the placenta is made of gray matter. Also, I propose that the DHA or whatever it is that makes breast milk so healthy is leached directly from the mother’s brain. I wish I had a dollar for every time I have said, “I promise I used to be really smart. Like, valedictorian, summa cum laude smart.”

  5. My baby is going to be six this month and most of these still apply 😀

  6. We were traveling out of state once when my oldest was an infant…maybe 10 months old or so. One morning in the hotel my husband sat on the bed chatting with me while our son sat strapped in his stroller to be fed. I snapped out of my mombie stupor when my husband started laughing at me and I realized that I was holding the spoon in front of HIS mouth. The worst part? He was also wearing the baby’s bib. (What my brain was doing when I couldn’t get the bib to fasten around his neck, I’ll never know, but there is was, laying like a little round napkin on his chest).

    I think I’ve gotten better, but I’m frightened that perhaps I’m still doing stuff like that and just don’t even notice.

  7. Oh, I love you all. Every time I find myself having a Mombie moment I think about this blog and my people and I feel just a little less “less than.”

  8. My kids have recently started calling me Dory. Took them long enough.

    Speaking of messing up their names, I admittedly speak to my dog more harshly than my kids. He gets the brunt of my frustration. It isn’t nice but #1: he can’t understand English (or he feigns very well). #2 Because of #1, I believe they respond to tone better than words anyway. So one day when I was grouching at my dog for being underfoot and wondering why the toddler kept jumping, I realized I had the names confused and my toddler didn’t know what he was doing wrong. I apologized but at the time, he didn’t speak English very well either (or, like the dog, feigns very well). I still feel bad about that.

  9. I had to leave a comment… you had me laughing so hard I couldn’t breath and my husband asked me what was funny, but I couldn;t even tell him… It all SO TRUE!!!

  10. This is quite possibly the best blog post ever written. Love all the stories and relate so much. Thanks for making me laugh and feel normal.

  11. OH – and I’ve taken the wrong kid to a doctor’s appointment.

  12. I’ve often said that the placenta is actually made from mother’s brain grey matter and when it is birthed out, it is just GONE.

    My pregnancy story was when I answered a call for someone asking for my husband. After I questioned him on whether or not he needed to meet my husband at the corner? help with his car? was he coming over now? was he walking? all of these type of questions he answered negatively, I finally asked, “Well, then, how were you thinking of talking to [my husband]?”
    “Uh – [reeeeealy slowly] – on, the, phone.”

  13. Yep, I’ve totally called my husband “kiddo” when responding to him in a conversation. “What did you need kiddo?” Yep, I’ve definitely called my boys the wrong name, mostly in public which is really helpful. So I usually say, “One of the kids that’s mine, come over here”; as to sunscreen, I’ve gone in the opposite direction and sprayed my kid down after already spraying them – which results in a sticky kid. Thankfully dirt gets rid of that problem. I’ve talked to teachers about a kid and then realized they were talking about my other kid. “Oh, you mean the other one” and I’ve totally said “Love ya” as I’m just about to get off the phone with someone who is no relation and was probably someone making an appointment for me or telling me my car was ready for pick up. And Sim, don’t you feel bad about the “Roo” thing. I would’ve thought the same thing, how hard is it to say rooster and keep everyone in the loop. Yep, I’m a Mombie.

  14. I am concerned. I have no kids and do at least half of these. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m not planning to have children.

  15. Beth, you are awesome and amazing. Thank you (and all the other Mombies out there!) for sharing and being honest. I do many of these, and was not at all surprised at the ones I have not done personally. I can see any of it happening! Mombrain, Mombies, call it what you want, it’s good to have friends!

  16. The worst one I’ve done was actually before I had kids and couldn’t even use that excuse! I was managing a Christian bookstore and was helping a very conservative local pastor check out and when I handed him the receipt instead of saying “Have a nice day!” which is what I meant to say, I said “I love you!” I don’t know, maybe God knew he needed to hear that, but he stammered and ran out of the store. I proceeded to bang my head on the counter. Three kids later, it hasn’t gotten better, but I no longer work so at least my insanity is contained to the house, somewhat.

  17. This made my Monday, just so you know! Laughing sooo hard I’m crying and blowing my nose. I’ve lived most of these examples, friends! I have a co-worker that I can’t EVER remember her name, and she nicely responds to the name of the day. I’ve parked my minivan in questionable places, worrying about break-ins while whisking 3 kids off only to come back hours later to realize I left a slider door WIDE OPEN and remote locked the other four exits and nothing was touched. I’ve even given up on remembering kids’ names and given them knicknames like “GEORGE, SAM and GERTRUDE”…not the kid names, not even close, but–get this–the two boys have decided which is which, and respond! The girl does too, but it makes me wonder why I picked their “real” names, when these work even better… and no, that minivan fob remote key lock/unlock does NOT work on the front door, no matter how many times you make the van blink and honk. Such is the life of a Mombie. Now I know what I really am. Again, thank you!

  18. Oh, THANK-YOU Gemma at #4, I always feel so stupid making appointments! Our doctor recently retired and I had to set everyone up with a new one…I’m sure the receptionist taking our info thinks I’m an absolute moron.

  19. Reminds me of rushing to get my kids dressed for the bus. 3 kids- ages 5,8,10.

    I’m saying “Hurry up! Why are you just standing there staring at me like that?”

    10 yr old – “But mom! You tried to put Logan’s (5 yr old) coat on me!”

    I’d like to say that this didn’t happen in variation multiple times. And that it didn’t get more and more hilarious to them each time I got angry that they were just staring at me with dumbfounded faces…

  20. The other day I was folding laundry at the kitchen table, listening to the dryer going around. After twenty minutes or so I started thinking, wait, these are the clothes I put in the dryer this morning. And I didn’t put another load in yet, did I? So what’s in the dryer?

    Yeah, it was nothing. A nice, warm, dry nothing.

  21. My parents gave me and both my sisters names that started with the same initial–and it was the same initial as my dad’s. So I very carefully avoided that confusion, and gave each of my boys a different starting initial.

    Somehow, it didn’t help. I still call them by the wrong names, and I have been known to call my husband one of the kids’ names!

    1. Oh, and….

      CUCUMBER!

      I will be giggling about that one all day.

  22. I laughed so hard at this!!!! Thank you! My youngest son (Aiden–see, I do know his name!!!) heard me laughing and came to investigate what had me laughing so hard (or to see if he needed to call the guys with white, hugging coats–whatever). I told him I’d been reading about some silly things moms do. He wanted me to read him soon examples. I could hardly see to do so. Then, I read him a couple–told him I’d done the thing with the phone before….

    Fast forward a few minutes to when I’m instructing him about taking an umbrella with him to school–“NANCY, your teacher will take it away and keep it if you use it as a weapon….” Both son and daughter are laughing at me with their eyes. Daughter says, “Mom, were you talking to him or me? Because you called him Nancy.” Then they both crack up. Ah! Mombie me!

  23. I am so in with #5! My grandmother, who had 3 boys and 3 girls, would simply start with the oldest and work her way down until she got the correct name. When I was teaching kindergarten (before kids)one year the majority of the girls had names beginning with the “k” sound. I knew who the kids were but would invariably have the wrong name come out of my mouth. So when we were planning the names for our kids, we very carefully avoided names with the same first sound (who thought of that anyway? I have no idea how Michelle Duggar keeps them straight!)However, we inadvertently gave our first 3 girls names that end in “a”. Did you know the same last sound is as confusing as the same first sound? So I now have 4 girls with names ending in “a” and 2 boys with long “o” in their name. They usually get called by whoever’s name I associate with their current behavior.

  24. Phew! Thank goodness I am not alone, and now I don’t feel so bad! Thanks for sharing this!

  25. So I’m reading through these nodding my head in recognition, yup, totally do all these. I get to number 17 and I’m thinking, oh my gosh, thankyou that i’m not the only one who’s wondered that! Get to the end of the paragraph and see my name. Turns out maybe I am the only one… Darn it!

    1. I did the same thing with #9, then saw my name too. You are not the only one! My sister in law did the same thing when she got her chickens.

    2. Waving at you from #23. My thought process was actually “oh my gosh, I have done that exact same thing! How funny that it was also a woman named Angie…wait…crap.”

      Now I’m curious to see how many other mamas got ‘tricked’ like this.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.