My Husband Keeps Trying to Have Sex With Me

My husband keeps trying to have sex with me.

For example, he cleaned off six shelves in our living room last night. Like, sorting stuff and organizing it and getting rid of crap we don’t need.

I know, you guys. I know.

That’s pretty extreme all by itself, but desperate people sometimes take desperate measures.

But wait! There’s MORE.

Our 2nd grader, Cael, keeps having anxiety attacks about his bear. Although Cael didn’t want to be separated from Beary, he also didn’t want to take Beary to school in his backpack because the school might burn down and he might not be able to get Beary out in time. I’d be concerned about his level of anxiety, irrational worry and general paranoia, except I don’t let my kids put their beds in front of the windows because, if I do, then I’ll be responsible when they to bleed to death after either a) the Big Quake hits or b) the burglar breaks in, shattering the window in a gazillion pieces, one of which will inevitably hit an artery. Protecting Beary from the inevitable school fire? That just makes sense. So, instead of taking Beary to school or leaving Beary home to get mauled by our dogs, my kid entrusted Beary to his dad.

Now, Greg could’ve done any number of things with Beary.

Shoved him in a briefcase.

Threw him in the trunk.

Forgotten him at home.

But no.

My husband is a wise, wise man after 20 years of marriage, so he took that bear to work with him and started sending me pictures.

Pictures ostensibly for our son.

Pictures like this:

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And this:

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And this:

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Which are ADORABLE. And heartwarming. And endearing. And, well, are more likely to result in what we shall call Positive Reinforcement than, say, pinching my butt on the way up the stairs or groping my boob.

In conclusion, Well played, Greg. Well played.

P.S.

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
18 comments
  1. Here’s an idea ladies. Love on your husband because you love him, not because he “earned” it. No one likes being extorted for sex. I realize this is tongue in cheek, but why don’t you put a collar and leash on him and pet him.

  2. Missed you, Beth!

  3. So SO well played. I mean, who wouldn’t blow their baby daddy for thoughtfulness like that?!?!

  4. I’m with you on the irrational fears…..I have lived in same state my whole life, and have never experienced a tornado, but always make my kids wear shoes to bed if the weather is looking dangerous or “tornadic” at bedtime. because who wants to be trapped in a tornado or have to evacuate quickly in bare foot…..

  5. I call my husband the Hey Girl Guy. You know the Hey Girl Memes about the perfect guy that does all the things? I married him.
    I’ll be honest, the pressure to be a wife worthy of the Hey Girl Guy is a bit there (not from him, never, ever from him. From myself. Because we’re good at that, right?). Then something will happen, like we’ll go to the grocery store after a rough week and my hair’s a greasy mess and my rumpled clothes are covered in kid smears, and I’m at that stage of pregnancy where I just look fat…. and then he sees his professor, and goes up and says “Hey! I want you to meet my wife!!!” and he shows me off like I’m a leggy Swedish supermodel (I’m not, I’m short and curvy with curly dark hair that refuses to obey, which I’m pretty happy with, but certainly isn’t trophy wife material). Times like that I think, Okay, I guess I’m doing alright if he’s so proud of me…..

  6. My favorite position is him down on hands and knees cleaning the kitchen floor. all clothes on.

    1. I almost lost my chocolate covered blueberry laughing out loud at this comment. That’s a good one.

  7. You forgot c) lightning, lightning could come through a window so you want the beds to be far, far from lightning. Or do you not get thunderstorms up in the Beaver State?

    P.S. Google told me the OR state nickname is the Beaver State, but I think the state motto (also Googled) is cooler: She flies with her own wings.

  8. I LOVE this! Nothing is sexier than a man being a good husband! All a woman wants is for the father of her children to love and care for their kiddos!

  9. Women frequently say that foreplay is important and, apparently, Greg is one man who listened.

  10. Gee, I’d love to comment here now, but I am too busy trying to care for a kid with explosions coming out both ends, give the other kid a shower, cook dinner, get “water” ready, get kids ready for bed, fold laundry, vacuum the house, and try to work a job, but can’t b/c one kid, me, or the other has been hone sick.for thr last 3 weeks. In fairness my wife works and works a lot of hours, but most of this stuff I do regularly and at best I get some once a quarter or so. Glad this works for some dudes!

    Off to wipe another behind.
    From a dude.

    1. Hey Dude.
      Good for you! You are an amazing man being a stay at home dad. And I’m sure the same things I feel on a regular basis, you feel too. I don’t think it has a thing to do with gender, just our roles. Being a caregiver is never easy and taking care of a home is a full time job. Sadly, sex is something many people talk about or joke about as a “Reward” for good behavior from their partner. Hopefully, it’s just that. Talk/jokes. I get it, but I don’t practice that. I feel most valued and appreciated by my spouse when he simply takes care of himself. So I don’t have to do more work, especially for a grown person. Hang in there, your efforts are of high value! I hope you all get feeling better quick.

  11. My husband brought home Boston the lobster stuffy from, well, Boston for our daughter. Not too long after, he had to drive a car cross country with my step dad. They brought Boston along and texted pics of him at interesting places along the way.

    Also, he once brought Brownie the puppy dog stuffy (my son’s best, best stuffy) to Japan for a work trip because my son couldn’t fit in the suit case. 🙂 We Facetimed with Brownie every day.

    Love that guy.

  12. So sweet. And clearly, that Bear knows the best kind of drink, too. Kudos to Greg, all the way around.

  13. I have always told my husband that there is nothing sexier than a man doing dishes (and I don’t care if he wipes the counters or not!)

  14. Ooooooo, tell us. Did he take put the trash? I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about my husband taking out the trash. Mmm!

  15. I love that Beary always has a cold drink. Not only does he get to hang with dad but he also gets pop!

  16. I can’t figure out which out of *all* of you (including Beary) is the cutest. Its just all of y’all.

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