UPDATED with Winners: Worst Contest Ever

Hey! You know how you go on vacation with your five kids, and one starts puking, and you’re all, “Dear Jesus, please, please, please let this be food poisoning or an anxiety attack or anything other than a bug that’s going to take us all down” and then Jesus forgets about that whole Wave a Magic Wand and Make Everything Better part of his contract, and a second kid starts puking and you’re all, “OH MY GOSH, JESUS, WE HAVE TALKED ABOUT THIS,” but Jesus is all, “It doesn’t matter how many time you TELL me to be a Magic Wand, Beth; still not my gig,” so you hold the bucket for Kid Number Two and rub his back and tell him All the Poor Babies and All the I’m So Sorrys and have a minor crisis of faith, because JESUS CHRIST, and then you remember that Jesus said to Love Each Other well, and didn’t give any cool bonus features with that command — not Love and You Will Be Loved, not Love and Then I’ll Wave My Magic Wand, not Love and Everything Will Fall Into Place, just Love Period — and you realize that’s exactly what you’re doing at 3:00am with Kid Number Two? You’re exhausted, and you’re in a hotel room, and you’re beginning to have wall-to-wall pukers, and your husband can sleep through anything, and you’re sure you’re coming down with the pukes because there’s nothing like the sound and smell of vomit to make you want to do it, too, but you manage be Love anyway? You know how THAT happens?

YES, ME, TOO.

In conclusion, Jesus is a sometimes a sneaky JERK with his agenda.

Also in conclusion, I write very long run-on sentences when I’m tired.

Also-also in conclusion, one of my besties suggested we play Clue: Woolsey Puker Edition, which is just like a regular game of Clue except instead of trying to deduce who murdered whom with what in what room (which is too easy because I murdered Greg with a pillow in our hotel room WHILE HE SLEPT THROUGH ALL THE PUKING*), we try to figure out which Woolsey will puke next, where, and into/onto what.

Clue: Woolsey Puker Edition

What We’ve Already Learned: 

1. Ian, in the minivan, rim shot into the gallon ziplock baggy.
Also acceptable are the following:
Ian, in the bathroom, mostly into the toilet,
Ian, at Craker Lake National Park, under a fir tree, and
Ian, in the hotel room, into the garbage can.

2. Cael, in the hotel room, into the ice bucket.

What Players Are Left:

1. Greg
2. Beth
3. Abby
4. Aden
5. Cai
6. Grandma
7. Grandpa
8. Zoey the Service Dog

Locations:

We’re in Southern Oregon for the next four days and will be making a day trip to the Redwoods in California.
Feel free to use your imagination for puking sites; after all, that’s what we do!

How to Enter:

Leave your guess!
Include 3 parts:
1. Who will puke
2. Where
3. Into/onto what.

THERE WILL BE TWO PRIZES: ONE for the person who guesses closest, and one for the person who guesses funniest, because DEAR GOD, WE NEED A LAUGH.

It may not be a great prize, but it will NOT be puke, so Win/Win!
I’ll probably mail you some local (uncontaminated by Woolsey hands, I promise) Oregon chocolate. Or something. I don’t know. I’m open to suggestions.

I cannot wait to see your entries. Cannot WAIT.

With Love as endless as the Woolsey germs,

Signature

*P.S. Greg got up with all the kids and let me sleep in. I shall hold off smothering him with a pillow for another night.

UPDATED: We are three days post-puke-fest, and in a SHOCKING twist, we’ve had NO NEW PUKERS. (I know, I know; now that I’ve typed this out loud, it’s a’comin’, but that’ll have to be a story for another time.)

Our winners are as follows:

1. The person who got closest to NO NEW PUKERS is Ami of MommyPig.com who writes, “Ugh. So sorry. I get really pissed when Jesus doesn’t stop the puking. I mean seriously, we’re not talking curing leprosy or raising the dead here; help a mother out. I pray there will be NO MORE PUKING BY ANYONE AT ALL. EVER.” 

2. The person who wins for funniest comment is Katie with, “Ooh! Ooh! I’ll use my real life experience with my pukey pants sister to predict a future trend for the Woolseys. I predict Cai will puke on the back of Cael’s head in the middle of the night. The next day, Aden will puke in Abby’s lap in the car. In conclusion,younger siblings are rude and puke on older siblings, and then your mean mom won’t let you be mad at your little sister, because it’s not her fault she gets car sick, even though she could have chosen to puke in her OWN lap. But I’m not still bitter 26 years later or anything.” Heh heh. This is something that would TOTALLY happen to us.

Ami and Katie, send your address to me at fivekidsisalotofkids@gmail.com with the subject line “I WON,” and I’ll send you your prizes!

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
40 comments
  1. Cai,because twins! – he shall follow suit. Into, um, a shoe, because well, just becaue. Where, the van. I really stink at this game, but mostly I want the chocolate 😉 p.s. Really I hope none of it comes true and you can enjoy your vacation!!! <3

  2. Cai will puke under the redwoods, on already existing slug. Since he won’t know it was there already, he will think he puked it out himself and how sick is he really. He will quietly and with much panic ask you to verify the slowly moving creature in his puke. Points to you if you can figure out what it is and can calm your very worried son. Not that this situation has EVER happened in real life, well maybe it has…, but the game version sounds so much better.

  3. It will be you, Beth in Eureka attempting in vain to aim into the tiny opening of a soda pop can, because it is the only container within reach. And even as sick as you are, you will see the humor in the pun. Because after it is over, you WILL reek…a lot. But you will also shout “Eureka” because you will know that you have just found the winner to your contest. 😉

    Here’s hoping I am wrong!

  4. Ooh! Ooh! I’ll use my real life experience with my pukey pants sister to predict a future trend for the Woolseys. I predict Cai will puke on the back of Cael’s head in the middle of the night. The next day, Aden will puke in Abby’s lap in the car. In conclusion,younger siblings are rude and puke on older siblings, and then your mean mom won’t let you be mad at your little sister, because it’s not her fault she gets car sick, even though she could have chosen to puke in her OWN lap. But I’m not still bitter 26 years later or anything.

  5. My guess is Greg in two days in the middle of the night in the hotel bathroom, you will stumble in, in an exhausted stupor, and unwittingly throw up on his head.

  6. Great game Beth, I think it will be Cai, in your lap, at a restaurant 🙁 Don’t forget to carry a change of clothes….

  7. Beth, in her van spittoon on top her cigar butts.

  8. Abby in the car into the empty Big Gulp cup and then into Beth’s hands because the Big Gulp cup hasn’t been emptied yet.

    Oh I don’t miss those days! So so sorry!

  9. As many before me, I send my condolences for the pukefest during vaca. To help a mother out, I say guard what the dog is doing. I think Zoey will throw up a pair of underwear, in the van, on a grandparent.
    The underwear will belong to nobody on the trip, adding to the Clue mystery.
    duh-duh-DUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH!
    May your van not become a mystery van. 🙂

  10. Yay, I love games! OK, here goes.

    Who: I’m imagining a triple- grandma, grandpa, and Zoey the service dog
    Where: Happy Camp, CA (because irony)
    Into/Onto: Everything. I’m picturing the ipecac scene from Family Guy which you should totally watch if you haven’t seen it yet (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eYSpIz2FjU)

  11. My friend’s son puked in grandma’s purse on a road trip. hahaha!! Keep your purse out of the way, Beth. 🙂

  12. Cai, onto Zoey the service dog. Because, after all, you needed to wash the dog too.

    UGH. Wishing for a magic wand for you.

  13. My guess:
    Abby is next. You pull over on the side of the road and she runs to puke under the closest tree. As she is puking, you notice some rustling in the woods off of the interstate near said tree. You notice two eyes staring back at you. Two BIG eyes. Two eyes that are not like Elmo in the dog crate.
    Two BIG eyes that belong to Big Foot. Big Foot is now puking too at the sight and smell of Abby’s puke.
    Cars are stopping on the interstate at the very first real sighting of Big Foot and you all end up on the cover of every newspaper and media outlet as the “Woozy Woolsey’s”.

  14. So so sorry, reminds me of our last Whole family, 9 kids plus a girlfriend of oldest , trip to Disney by car…not everyone got it.. But 6 was to many,. My guess Abby, under a Redwood tree, and then again under every other redwood tree. Finally landing back at hotel with final puke in “sand bucket with stckers”.

    Advice: go to local Walgreens or CVS or other store and buy a sand play bucket for each family member, a few rolls of paper towels, small trash bags, and lots of stickers! Each sick person can decorate their bucket that is lined with plastic trash bag and paper towel on bottom of bag… Saved us on our 19 hour trip back from Disney… Just need to make side stops to dump used bags…

    Hang in there….

  15. Greg, Trees of Mystery, under Babe the Blue Ox’s head, on the ground.

    He’s going to walk away and pretend that he didn’t do it but the ox did it. Silly Greg. Statues don’t puke.

    I was born and raised in Humboldt County. I hope things turn around for you guys and you get to enjoy the Redwoods.

  16. I’ll go with Aden in the car (her lap) on the way to the redwoods. Last year we drove 2 1/2 hours to the beach. My daughter got very very motion sick. Thank god we got the extra large sand buckets. She filled one up halfway and I was dumping it out of the door when we were stopped at stoplights.

  17. Bwahahaha! I predict Cai, in the car, in someone else’s lap.

    I’ve been stalking you for a long time. You have encouraged me many times when momming is just too much and I can’t do All The Things, or even Some Of The Things. Thanks for bringing me giggles, tears, and hope that there’s beauty in this mess. The last pukefest we had was at the inlaws house, three hours from home. And the four year old puked on all of their clean towels, the bed, and most of the hotel room later that night before getting the two year old sick, too.

  18. US-199 Zoey the service dog. Out the front window and spritzed through the back window into Cai’s sleeping face.

  19. Beth, over Greg’s dead body, on the pillow she just used to smother him.

    We flew to Pennsylvania for my husband’s grandmother’s funeral when my son was 4 months old. He started puking right as the plane took off, soaking my shirt and jeans and underwear. Pleasant flight. We had taken a red-eye, so we arrived and went straight to my in-law’s blue-blood east coast rich friends’ house for a lovely breakfast in my stiff, crunchy, puke filled clothing. By this time my son hadn’t nursed in about 6 hours and my boobs were incredibly full and sore and leaking through my puke-encrusted shirt.

    We finally made it to the hotel and changed, and I was able to shower and squeeze out some milk for a little relief. That night we had the viewing, which was my first time really seeing a dead body. As we went up to pay our respects, I suddenly got the urge to vomit, turned and sprinted down the aisle and to the bathroom where I puked my guts out, wondering if there was some way of issuing an announcement that I had the flu, and wasn’t just losing my lunch over the body of one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known.

  20. My guess is Abby, under the Babe the Blue Ox statues bum at the Trees of Mystery visitors center in the Redwoods.

  21. Ugh. So sorry. I get really pissed when Jesus doesn’t stop the puking. I mean seriously, we’re not talking curing leprosy or raising the dead here; help a mother out. I pray there will be NO MORE PUKING BY ANYONE AT ALL. EVER.

  22. Oooo…I’m going to guess Zoey the service dog, into/onto Grandpa’s lap, while picnicking amongst the redwoods.

  23. A day will go by without puke. You will have that tiny voice inside yourself that will hope the puking has passed. Just as you stand in wonder at a majestic Redwood, a very handsome stranger will catch your attention. Grandma starts casually talking to the hunk. You think this vacation has seriously turned itself around. A quick hair flip and a suck in of the gut as you casually stroll closer to grandma to get a better look at the eye candy. Just as you make eye contact, grandma will puke all down the front of his trousers.

  24. I am, first off, SOOOOO sorry– been there, done that, and threw that nasty t-shirt away!! I also have five kids, and while our vacation round of stomach bug only went through 4 of 7 members, that was still 4 too many as we were in the minivan for far too many of our pukes.
    While I hope for a no-new-player option I’m pretty sure you are next, and for some reason I see you behind a vending machine near a waterfall… so beware if you see that spot on your travels!!
    Wishing you guys a speedy recovery and an awesome experience. <3

  25. Cai, at a busy restaurant. On Cael, Aden, the floor, the chair and the sweet grandparentish couple at the next table. The upside to the this situation would be that you don’t have to clean it up yourself.
    This is my first time commenting, and I like chocolate

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