Today in Evil: I Convinced My Husband We Bought A Horse

I don’t know what made me do it, but I’m a Christian, so I’m going to go with the Devil.

The Devil made me do it; that’s always a good excuse.

It’s just THE TEMPTATION, you guys. THE TEMPTATION OVERWHELMED ME.

I’ve heard it said God never gives us more than we can handle, but a) that’s a crap theological statement any way you slice it, and, b) more importantly, I’ll bet God wouldn’t say stuff like that if God’s husband went away for a week, took most of the children, and left her with way, WAY too much time on her hands. Time to think about buying a miniature horse, for example. And, yes, obviously time to reject buying a miniature horse because DUH. But also time to think about convincing her husband she’d bought a miniature horse anyway, because bwahahahaha; SATAN.

Idle hands are the devil’s tools. <– In the Bible, man. TRUE TRUTH.

MORE TEMPTATION THAN I COULD HANDLE, I tell you. More temptation than any woman should try to endure.

It all started innocently enough.

I just mentioned, via text, to my husband who was far, far away, that we might be able to finagle a way to buy Aden, our middle kid who adores equines, a miniature horse.

 

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Now, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean I really wanted to buy a horse, but Greg ignored me, which left me no choice at all but to keep texting him.

 

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Still NOTHING from Greg, so I started pinging him with the “AREN’T YOU LISTENING?” texts and the “HELLO! HellLLLOOOOOO!” texts, and then he was a poophead…

 

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…which made me realize I had to up my game.

I set to work.

I did my research.

I tattled on Greg to our teenager, Abby, who was home with me, and I led her astray.

“Abby,” I said, “Dad’s ignoring me. It’s like he really, truly believes I wouldn’t buy a horse without consulting him.”

“That’s probably because you wouldn’t buy a horse without consulting him,” she said, because she’s a jerk like her father.

“THAT IS NO EXCUSE,” I said. “It is now our job to convince him that I WOULD, TOO, impulsively buy a horse.”

“I don’t think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had,” said Abby.

And I said, “Is, too.”

And she said, “Is not.”

And I said, “THE BIBLE SAYS TO HONOR YOUR MOTHER, SO YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY OR JESUS WON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE.”

And she said, “I’m pretty sure the Bible doesn’t say that.”

And I said, “Oh yeah? Prove it.”

And she said, “It’ll take less time if I just do what you want, won’t it?”

And I said, “Yep.”

And she said, “Fine,” which is the same as Honoring Your Mother, I think, because HOORAY! I WIN!

Thus began Abby’s text campaign to her father, which went like this:

 

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You know, there are times while you’re raising kids and you wonder if they’ll ever accept your way of life and your values and then they do stuff like this and you realize it’s all going to be OK. It’s all going to work out. Raise them up in the way they should go, and when they are old they will not depart from it.

Abby’s part concluded, I continued my quest.

 

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As you can see, Greg remained unconvinced after this barrage of texts.

Which is why it’s a good thing I have friends in my corner.

Friends who have friends.

Friends who have friends who have miniature horses.

Friends who have friends who have miniature horses they will bring to my home and pretend to sell to me.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

And it was.

Oregon Dream Ponies, whom I love and with whom I’m well pleased, showed up at our house and pretended to sell me a horse. In front of Greg. As a special “surprise” to him.

 

In conclusion, being married to me is THE BEST.

With love,

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RubySurpriseP.S. Greg didn’t get to keep the pony, but he did get a rad Oregon Dream Ponies t-shirt.

P.P.S. No children or ponies were harmed in the making of this practical joke. The kids were all in on in and thought it was HILARIOUS. Actually, I’m not sure the pony was in on the joke, so her feelings were probably hurt when she didn’t get to stay with us. AMENDMENT: No children or ponies were physically harmed in the making of this practical joke. Also, new motto for this site = Raising children and ponies to be self-sufficient enough to someday pay for their own counseling.

P.P.P.S. This post isn’t sponsored by Oregon Dream Ponies, and blah blah blah. I don’t do sponsored posts here. Kim at ODP is just really cool people willing to haul a tiny pony to a crazy woman’s house to help her torture her husband. Now, if that’s not True Community, I don’t know what is.

P.P.P.P.S. I’m thinking “In conclusion, being married to me is THE BEST” should be a new, regular series around here. The other time that was my conclusion was the day I pooped my closet. That Greg’s a lucky guy.

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Video credit Nate Macy: I think we can all agree he has the very best taste in background music.
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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
15 comments
  1. […] invent a way to ensure he knows I Really Mean It This Time. See, THIS is why it’s dangerous to get someone a fake miniature horse instead of a REAL miniature horse; I SHOULD’VE FOLLOWED THROUGH ON THE HORSE, y’all. I KNEW I should’ve followed through on the […]

  2. […] Purposes of 4D Research like Mary, my hero, did her husband, Ed. I mean, YES I made Greg believe we were getting a miniature horse, and YES, I’m blessing him with a house full of Golden Retrievers, but it turns out I HAVE NEVER, […]

  3. most perfectly awesome. congratulations to you all on your ‘not horse’ and for making the internet laugh today!

  4. So funny! My husband would have Flipped. Out. after the second text! And then been mad that he’d been played. Or course, I would never, ever do that with a puppy. Ever. Never. Well…that’s all in the past now.

  5. Quite easily the best thing I’ve read all day. Your hubs is, indeed, a lucky, lucky man. ^_^ Well done, Beth. Well done.
    PS I think Jesus would be laughing too hard at this one. I think he’d come by, put his hand on your hubs’ shoulder and say, so, can I interest you in a mule? >.<

  6. I think you might have convinced him that it’s a good idea; it looked to me like he and the micro-beast were having a bonding moment towards the end. I suggest you try him again in about a week. 😉

  7. You are bad ass!

  8. Your husband is as hilarious and witty as you, which is saying something. The retort about self control had me guffaw out loud.
    My husband has expressed that I am all business in my texts to him. I couldn’t understand what he was talking about – why use extra thumb typing just to joke around! But you have helped me see the error of my ways. Holy smokes you all taking text-banter to a whole ‘nother level.

  9. Ha ha ha ha, the background music was perfect, but I was hoping for some audio! 😉
    Nicely done, nicely done. I loved seeing your dad in the background with his beer just watching the show!

  10. My respect for you just grew by leaps and bounds! This was the awesomest! I am crying and laughing hysterically and my husband thinks I’ve lost it. Job well done!

  11. That is fantastic! I want to be like you when I grow up!

  12. So, so funny. Greg is the best. He kept a smile on his face the WHOLE time. Amazing!

  13. I love it!! Someone else likes to lovingly torture her husband too! This is so something I would do to my husband, and I love that look he had when the blindfold came off. I’ve seen that from my husband quite a few times. Around these parts it means, “Oh ****, she really did it!” haha

  14. I love this.

  15. Oh. My. Gosh. Beth!!! Lucky man, indeed!

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