On Being Hidey

I’ve been offline for a while, traveling with my family and being generally overwhelmed and a little bit hidey. I’m emotionally under the covers, so to speak, and longing for a good book and a bathtub in which to lose myself for, oh, say, weeks and weeks.

It’s hard to know at times like this whether it’s simply too much going on that makes me hidey or if this is a resurfacing of the Depression Dragon. I’m shrugging my shoulders at you right now and mumbling, “I dunno,” ’cause I don’t. Not yet. Too soon to tell. The Depression Dragon may be waking, or I just may need to remember how to breathe.

When I get hidey, I usually want to stay hidey. It’s like an ever-increasing cycle of hidey-ness. I hide; therefore, I want to keep hiding.

Part of being hidey for me is listening too hard and too long to the voice in my head that tells me I have nothing to say, nothing worthwhile to contribute, nothing that might help others in their hidey-ness to feel less alone. I’m learning in my older age not to listen to that voice, though, because that voice is unkind and also a lying liar who lies.

So I’m just taking this one minute to throw this out there. To say, I’m hiding a little. And to wave at you from under the emotional covers… just with my hand outside the blanket, and maybe one eyeball. Waving and waving in the dark, even though this dark is of my own creation. And to ask, muffled by my covers, how are you? How are you, friends? Would you take just a minute and tell me if you’re hidey, too, or if you’re free and wild, or if you don’t know? I think, perhaps, if we all might bring our blankets to the party — the blankets we’re using to hide or the blankets we’ve discarded — that we could build a little fort here together. And maybe someone can bring a flashlight. And a good book. And a few pillows. And we might make a party.

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104 responses to “On Being Hidey”

  1. Thank you! Thank you for your words that make me laugh so hard I pee a little and cry the next that there are others like me who get a little hide-y sometimes for more than a few minutes.

    I’m so glad you are a writer and blessing us all!

  2. Personally not hidey. Rather scared out of my gourd. My very bestest closest friend has decided she’s had enough and needs to leave her people. Needs to leave him because he cannot be true and stay true to her. So I’m trying to figure out how the heck to be a bestie to someone who is so scared and statled and broken … yet needs to keep going because she’s a mama to three bigish babies so she can’t just stop … but it’s hard. It’s hard to be her. It’s hard to be you. It isn’t SO hard to be me because I’m not currently in the thick of it but sometimes it is. coming here to YOU always raises me. Even when you are hidey or in a funk. Thank you for being you. Truly. xoxox

  3. I feel hidey and want to curl up with my books and blankie…but my husband has been and is still having the hidey feeling. And as I am more likely to pull up the ole boot straps and power through – I must. He can’t. I know he can’t. But always having to be the dependable one is hard. So I’m waving…from my office desk, powering through, picking up kids, potty training my 3 year old, reading with my 8 year old, cooking dinner, and only doing the mandatory cleaning to continue to live while my soul is wrapped in blankets waiting it’s turn.

  4. I’m feeling very hidey at the moment. I was able to get out of bed & make it into work today, so it’s not as bad as in the past, but my “depression dragon” gets a little out of control sometimes. Every day is a new start, though! Thanks for being so honest and encouraging us to join you.

  5. Been there. Weeks at a time. I’m really okay at the moment, but when I’m not okay, I am SO not okay. Waving at you, friend.

  6. Hiding on the weekends and pretending I’m more extroverted during the week. I’ll bring some sticks and rope so that the blankets won’t fall down on us.

  7. We give so much of ourselves that we need time to hide and re-fill our cups. Hugs from my hidey hole…with my blanket and pillow, crayons and coloring books.

  8. I just wrote a post last month about hiding in my blankets and bed. Yes, I’m there. I’m trying so hard to come out of it and I succeeded for a couple weeks, but then I dropped back in and all I want to do right now is leave work and climb under the fluffy covers and not come out for a looonnngggg time. Thanks for sending some blanket love!

    In case anyone is interested: https://jywatkins.wordpress.com/2015/06/01/we-can-stay-here/

  9. I love this because i can relate SO WELL. I love that I can relate, as I too am feeling hide-y…..more often than not lately, I want to hide in my own little space and pretend that all is well in my world. Depression is not far away these days, always creeping, lurking in the corners, waiting to pull me into the corner and convince me that that’s where I belong. I love your idea that we ladies can combine our blankets and build a fort together–I like that, because as women, we need that. We need to be here for beach other–blankets and all.

  10. It’s so hard to not listen to the voice…. But la la la la I can’t hear you…Don’t listen! You encourage many with your funny and honest stories. I’m sorry you feel hidey…. Felt that way myself this week… Praying for you that the desspression dragon doesn’t stop by…. Hugs

  11. I’m late to comment. But I began writing one soon after you posted this, and got distracted by a child. Go figure. But I wanted to say that the other day I was lying in bed being hidey, but it was daytime, light out. I wanted to wave and say out loud, like I’ve said before that I do, “waving in the dark”. But this time it wasn’t dark out. But then I thought, I think I’ll modify it for now and say, “waving in the dark, in the light”. Because that was how I felt. Then I thought, that could really have multiple meanings. Yes it was light out, but I felt oh so dark. But also, waving in the dark, in His (Gods) light. Becaue I still can’t help but believe He’s with me, even when I’m feeling dark. So there it is. I’m here….waving in the dark, in the light.

  12. Thank you (again) and I love you (again) you put words to my insides and make me cry and giggle with relief. I have a few blankets and I might just sit near and listen for a bit. X

  13. Kinda feel hidey this week. Hurt my back AGAIN and have been in a lot of pain. Took all of Tuesday off, whoch is expensive when you’re self-employed. But no one would have wanted me go attempt to work while under the influence of muscle relaxers, right?

    Am also being attacked by right-wing trolls for saying that I refuse to hate on people just necause they’re gay. Apparently, I am supposed to go on a road trip and start thumping people with a Bible so I can be. “Good Christian woman.” Um, no.

    will work as little as possible on Friday, and mow the lawn either Friday morning before the heat advisory starts, or Saturday morning. Hope I can start the mower!

    • Uh, OK, and now I see my typos.

      WHICH is expensive

      Just BECAUSE they’re gay

      be a “good Christian woman.”

      Will work

      Sorry about all the typos!

  14. I have been hidey all week (skipped lots of things that I should have attended) and spent a couple of days in pjs. The time has come that I have to decided what I want to be when I grow up… my last baby turned 18 and I have to refind my place in the world (and find a job to help pay for college for 2). The upside are my glitter and glow in the dark nails… they make me smile and feel silly. So I am waving from under my blanket in the dark to you with glowy nails 🙂

  15. If you come to Salem any time soon, let me know a few hours ahead of time and you can have some of my very famous lemon cake. Or chocolate if you lean that way. Also, I have read some VERY GOOD BOOKS lately: A Man Called Ove and Juliet’s Nurse were great reads. Of course, I sobbed out loud at the end of ‘Ove’ and if you’re not a big Shakespeare fan, ‘Nurse’ may not grab you as much as it did me. But truly, find a good book to crawl into. Bertie Plays the Blues is really good if you like Alexander McCall Smith. (I don’t like him – I love him….) I’m waving from approx. 48 miles away!!

    • I have been hiding in books lately and I also just read “A Man Called Ove”. One of the better books I’ve read lately.

  16. First off, I love your blog. I have 16 month old twin boys and you have helped keep me sane. I am also hide-y right now for a lot of reasons – a transition back to working part-time, a husband working ridiculous hours, a revisit from my inconvenient anorexia, a new therapist, and it goes on and on. I have nothing substantive to add, nor any solutions. But I will come hide under the covers with you anytime.

  17. ::flickerflicker:: (That’s my flashlight sending you signals.) I want to be a bit hidey this week, but alas, I must put my head down and power through all of the adulting I must do. Sunday will be glorious. There is not a single scheduled thing on Sunday and I intend to stay in my pajamas all day. So, I’m going to slide my flashlight under the edge of your blanket and offer you my stuffie to keep safe while I stagger through the rest of the week. I’ll return to the fort on Sunday with some wine and chocolate. Hang in there.

  18. I LOVE that you called it “hide-y.” Will never think the same way about that feeling again! So much cuter than “antisocial” or “miserable” or “leave-me-alone-everyone-that-talks-or-expects-me-to-respond.”

  19. I am both hidey and not…I’m emotionally overwhelmed, but I’m also more out of my shell about it than I’ve ever been before. I’m learning that embracing my journey helps others embrace theirs. Thank you for sharing yours!

  20. In what I picture to be the bell-curved demographics of your readers, younger to older, I am way towards the right of the mid-line. And as such, I would like to share words of wisdom gleaned from the additional decades of earth living. I would like to, but I can’t because I still struggle. These days my hidey comes with a chaser of tired. These feelings are difficult at any age. While the challenges of life may change, our need for love and support does not. And ice cream. We will always need ice cream.

  21. Is going through a divorce and she’s hiding a lot right now, she’s pulling her covers up over her more and more everyday. Your post today hits home — she feels she’s a failure at life because of a divorce from an abusive husband. She’s having to say out loud what her life has been like and it is so much harder than she ever thought possible. If you say it out loud, you give it power over you, so she pulls the covers up more.

    • I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through. But I wanted to send you a virtual hug anyway. You are not a failure. You are a superhero for surviving and taking back your power.

    • Sanders, I can so understand where you are coming from and some people will deny what you are saying because they don’t want to hear it and don’t realize that is calling you a liar and denying you as a person. But after awhile you will find some others who understand, who have been there, who believe you and believe in you. And you will start to feel stronger for surviving. (By the way, apparently there are several Ellens who are regulars here, I don’t speak for anyone but myself, not even the other Ellens.) Saying it out loud puts it out in the light and darkness dislikes the light so will try to pull you back into the dark again. Find people who will help you enjoy the light.

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