A Quick, Butt Important Question. In Addition to This One… Guess What’s Better Than Pants?

Hey!

I have a quick question for you.

Guess what’s better than pants?

That’s not the question, though. That’s a lead-up to the real question, which is coming. It’s like a prelude to the question. An appetizer question. The processional question as we prepare for the grand entrance of the real question; like the flowergirl of questions, all cute and tiny, toddling down the aisle and lifting her fluffy, tulle dress over her eyes so we see her princess panties while all the guests giggle and her mommy stage whispers Put. Your. Dress. Down.

Still, it’s important so that we set the stage, so I ask you again…

Guess what’s better than pants?

Guess what’s better than pants, friends?

Nope; it’s not yoga pants. Those are still pants.

Nope; not leggings. Uh uh. Those are still sorta pants. Pants-ish, if you will.

You know what’s better than pants, though?

Like, seriously better than pants?

No Pants.

No Pants is what.

I mean, clearly the answer is No Pants.

We all know that, right?

No Pants is superior to Pants.

It was practically a rhetorical question. The answer so obvious it doesn’t require a response.

It’s just that my friend, Melissa Anne, told me she needs new pants because we’re going to Disneyland next week to celebrate a Big Birthday.

“I need new pants,” she wrote. “I have no comfy pants.”

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I suggested, therefore, No Pants. Which I have in writing. Which is important as we prepare for The Real Question I Have.

I suggested No Pants; see?

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In writing.

Like, ELEVEN DAYS AGO in writing WITH A TIME AND DATE STAMP.

And then. Then. Just a few days later, I saw this:

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This mannequin with No Pants.

Listen. Listen, friends. I don’t want to go all Conspiracy Theory or Big Brother on y’all. And I realize — I do — that I am not the first person to invent No Pants.

It’s just…

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…I obviously had copyrighted No Pants (in writing — IN WRITING), and then this guy started sporting No Pants.

Which brings me to my question.

My important question.

Because I live in America.

Should I sue that mannequin for copyright infringement?

I mean, I undoubtedly stood to make loads of money on all the people who bought No Pants from me, but now this guy is trying to edge out my market share.

Please advise.

Love,

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P.S. I realize this could, possibly be a situation like when Isaac Newton and Gottfried Leibniz simultaneously invented calculus in the 17th century. I mean, genius can strike at exactly the same time, so I suppose that mannequin and I could’ve discovered No Pants concurrently. But what are the odds? And did Newton or Leibniz think to have time- and date-stamped proof of invention? NO. Because they didn’t plan ahead like yours truly. So who’s the smarty pants now?

P.P.S. ^^^ That P.S. was me blatantly trying to get into my husband’s pants, and has nothing to do with this post. Drop some historical calculus knowledge?? Sure fire way in, folks! On the other hand, if Greg would just take up the No Pants trend, I wouldn’t have to work so hard. Something to think about, Greg.

 

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
7 comments
  1. I have two contributions to this post:

    In regards to the inventor of “no pants”
    http://improveverywhere.com/missions/the-no-pants-subway-ride/

    In regards to the inventor of calculus:
    http://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/calculus-created-in-india-250-years-before-newton-study-1.632433

    Sorry to be such a major buzzkill but I have 3 hours of parent teacher conferences starting in about 10 minutes so I am in a major buzzkill kind of mood.

  2. Aww Sorry Beth but I’m pretty sure Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse have you beat on the date thing.

    1. …and Donald Duck beat you on the No Pants thing.

  3. I hate to break it to you Beth, but there’s a guy who plays Kingdom of Loathing whose username is Pantsless. He’s used it for years. There’s even a trophy for people whose characters weren’t wearing pants on January 1, 2006. So … somebody was there first.

    Also, I’m in the no-bra category. Instruments of torture. I only wear them to get along in society.

  4. As Melissa Anne’s husband, I’m susprised she didn’t rate ‘no bra’ above ‘no pants’. Through 8 years of marriage I’ve witnessed the daily ritual of the ‘bra-ectomy’, and the subsequent sigh of relief.

  5. OMG, hilarious! Also I just realized something sticky has joined my s and d keys together so that every time I type an s, d follows. sdsdsdsds, there that fixed it. Anyway, in my house, the surefire way to get into HB’s pants is to ask political questions that I have no desire to know the answer to, but it REALLY gets him in the mood. So I feel ya. *high fives*

  6. I kept it together until the PPS. Now my kid wants to know why I’m giggling. “Is it not appropriate?”

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