Your Help Needed. Important Question Ahead.

Your help needed. Important question ahead. 

Is there something wrong with me? Or with the rest of the world?
Please pick one.

 

It’s just that I keep seeing this meme on The Book of Faces lately…

CrochetShorts

…which says “just because you CAN crochet something doesn’t mean you should.”

Except I’m pretty sure that if you CAN crochet something, you DEFINITELY should.

Tan, yellow and goldenrod short-shorts? Um, yes. Yes, you should. You absolutely should.

You know why? BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS SO. Whatever you do, do it to the best of your ability, friends.

 

Owl tube top?

How-to-DIY-Crochet-Owl-Basket

YES, YOU SHOULD.

Uterus?

uterus

Crochet. It.

Gall bladder with removable gall stones?

removablegallstones

YeeessssSSSSSS!

Chicken hat and chicken vest??

crochetchickenhat

chicken vest

HOW DOES THIS NOT MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE?

Seriously.

crochetsuits

Seriously, friends.

In a world full of fear and sadness, let us agree that crocheting the crap out of stuff is the work of God. WWJD?? J would CROCHET, guys. Like crazy. J would buy some yarn and a hook and just go NUTS.

In conclusion, I need to know. Is there something wrong with me? Or with the rest of the world? Please pick one.

With love and yarn,

Signature

 

 

 

PS — To see more crocheted short shorts, go here. You’re welcome.

PPS — I know a fine, Christian lady who once made one of these for her husband.

williewarmers

PPPS — That fine, Christian lady is my mother.

PPPPS — If you want to freak your mom out, put the crocheted willie warmer she made your dad on top of her Christmas tree one year. 🙂 I promise, it’s worth waiting for her to notice. For weeks. While her friends visit for Bible studies. Again, friends… WWJD?? J would put your mom’s willie warmer on the tree. J is good times, folks. That guy gets a bad rap, but he’s good times.

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ABOUT BETH WOOLSEY I'm a writer. And a mess. And mouthy, brave, and strong. I believe we all belong to each other. I believe in the long way 'round. And I believe, always, in grace in the grime and wonder in the wild of a life lived off course from what was, once, a perfectly good plan.
30 comments
  1. Thank you so much for the hysterical giggles my coworkers have heard emanating from my cubicle. That’s all I can say. Pardon me while I go wipe my eyes.

  2. yes, crochet all the things! I used to make all kinds of cute animals for my boys. But, as they have grown, their requests have changed. Now I crochet things like nunchucks and medieval maces. at least crocheted things are soft… 🙂

  3. For the record… it was knitted, not crocheted. It was also larger than your examples. Your mother always sees the best in everyone.

    1. I don’t know what is better… the post or this comment! All I know is that your family is amazing!!!

    2. My favorite part of the Christmas tree topper story is the fact that you KNEW I’d put it up there and didn’t tell Mom, either. Heh heh heh. That lady’s gonna have SO MANY JEWELS IN HER HEAVENLY CROWN someday, all earned from her earthly suffering.

  4. Okay, I am outed and must admit it was better to see it on our Christmas tree. I didn’t even know how to crochet and a fellow Marine wife suggested she teach me by doing something “simple” to start with. And there it was, looking like a piece of candy corn in yellow, orange and brown. I’ve since tried to crochet blankets and have had no success in finishing any. So in the crochet world that is that best I could ever do. Thanks for outing me sweetheart.

    1. You’re welcome, Mama. I give and I give.

  5. Some chickens need vests, you know.

    Because they moult, and if they are CRAZY chickens, like mine, they choose to do it in the winter.

    And then they want to continue scratching and pecking things in case they are food.

    And then they need sweaters, vests, or smocks so they don’t get too cold.

    So that one, at least, is 100% practical and necessary.

  6. Oh my gosh Beth! This post has made me regret something I did awhile back. What’s that you say? You want to hear about it?

    Well, my husband is a dentist and in in his first year out of school (and our first year of marriage) he came home from the office with an extra-large crocheted willie-warmer. I had never seen anything like it and I was absolutely astonished and appalled. It was a disturbing flesh-colored yarn, which actually was not flesh-colored for him as my husband is not caucasian. I suppose you could call the size a compliment as I don’t believe it would fit any human penis. It looked like it would comfortably fit my forearm (and I’m not a small-boned gal).

    I can laugh now, but I was caught so off guard then that I threw it straight into the trash. To this day every time I go out with girlfriends they lament the fact that they’ll never get to see that legendary crocheted gift. I honestly don’t even know what my husband thought about it. LOL

    I sort of, SORT OF regret throwing it away. But to be honest, I still think it’s pretty creepy to crochet anything for your dentist to wear on his genitals. I got kind of gaggy thinking about someone visualizing his junk while knotting away at yarn. Especially if she was visualizing his junk that HUGE! Awkward much?

    I hope that woman had a good laugh about it. Because it sure took me awhile to have one. All this to say… Ladies, if you really want to weird out your fresh-from-school male healthcare provider in your older age, go ahead and bring him a giant hand-crocheted willie-warmer and deliver it in front of his female staff. He’ll thank you for it I’m sure and his wife will likely be speechless with joy when he brings it home.

    1. I would also like to add that my husband frequently does rock a pair of skintight candy corn colored hand-knitted pants that his 93 year old grandma custom made him. She also made him leg-warmers, but he hasn’t been as fond of those…go figure.

  7. I can’t breathe, I’m laughing so hard. Willie warmer. Willie. Warmer. On the tree. I. Can’t. Breathe.

  8. I’m pretty sure every male in my family would actually rock all of those shorts in the link – with pride 🙂

  9. Oh yes. This is perfect, Beth. The craziest thing I’ve crocheted is a winter hat for my eggs from my chickens. Lol. Guess I need to go out there and be a little more adventurous!!!

  10. The rest of the world! BTW – I want to learn to knit or crochet!

  11. You put it… On her tree??????

    ………………………………………HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    Beth, you are my favorite. Ever. Whatever is “wrong with you”… well the world could use more of that.

    But please don’t crochet the shorts. Or, at least, don’t ask your poor hubs to wear them. The warmer? That’s between you and him. XD

  12. Oh man, I wish I could crochet…

  13. While I can crochet, my passion is knitting. And I will knit anything! Sadly, my spouse turns down offers for a Willie warmer. He would rather have socks.

  14. Willie warmer? Uterus? Hahahahahahahaha

  15. As someone who can crochet I can see I need to get busy https://www.instagram.com/p/BBlbdVJBtWN/

  16. I crocheted almost every Christmas present my family gave this past year. I was especially proud of the gorget (neck armor) I made for my brother-in-law. Crocheted anything is awesome.

  17. Beth, you are so right! Yesterday, while doing a fabulous (body) cleanse for a medical procedure, all I could focus on was how cold I was and how wonderful it would be to have a soft adult onsie to rest in all-day-long. But now you have me thinking, does my hubby need a Peter Heater too?… and if so, I have a lot of knitting to do!

  18. Clearly your mother ‘trained up her child in the way she should go’ like a boss. 🙂 I say, crochet away. In a world of stress and sadness, stuff with yarn brings joy and gladness.

  19. Oh my goodness. I found the pattern. You are supposed to attach this poem to it before giving it to your husband:
    Now that you’re getting older,
    And the nights are getting colder,
    Nothing could be neater,
    Than this little Peter Heater.
    There are also directions on how to make one if he plans on wearing it!

    1. Post the link to the Pattern 😉

  20. wow Beth. I don;t think you I’ve heard you talk about your mom before. Thanks for the intro. Explains a lot!

  21. I’ve knitted three uteri so far (Pattern at http://www.knitty.com, called “Womb”). They make awesome white elephant gifts.

  22. The first thing I ever crocheted was a Christmas banner for my mom. It was about 10×15″, done in filet crochet with size 30 thread, with a lily on it and the phrase “Love and Joy Come to You” in Blackletter script.

    It was gorgeous, but a perfect illustration of my tendency to Jump In At The Deep End.

  23. Oh man, I wish I could find the link for you, but just in the last week or two I saw full on crocheted suits of like chain mail and super heros and Scottish kilts (yes, it was all one picture) 😉

  24. There is something definately wrong with the ray of the world. More crochet everywhere! I am getting out my yarn right now.

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