There’s always a fine line to walk between celebrating one’s success among friends and tooting one’s own horn. I’m going to go ahead and call this the former as I tell you I WON A LOT OF AWARDS THIS WEEK.
A lot, a lot, friends.
But I want you to know, as I accepted these and had my moment behind the podium* to speak to the masses**, I made sure the crowd understood I was accepting them on behalf of ALL of us. All of us mamas. And all of us parents. And all of us HUMANS who somehow ENDURE and BEAR WITNESS to each other again and again.
I was nominated*** in myriad categories, and I won a bunch of them, but I’m only going to give you a quick tour of my favorite hardware from the ceremony because I don’t want to brag too, too much. I’ll save the rest for another time.
Award #1: SMOTHERED ZERO PEOPLE WITH A PILLOW
Lots of humans have smothered zero people with a pillow, and I am one of them! Huzzah! I accepted this award with a lengthy speech to itemize All the Things for which I COULD HAVE Smothered People but DIDN’T. It was very passionate. Also, loud. Also-also, some of the crowd put on headphones and Stopped Listening, and there were a few who Rolled Their Eyes****, but I don’t feel like any of that undermines the fact that I both earned and deserve this trophy which so beautifully memorializes my excellent Self-Control.
Award #2: TOOK MY MEDS
It’s true! I did.
Award #3: INJURY FREE WORKPLACE
Sixty minutes, friends. Sixty WHOLE MINUTES injury-free around here. I’ll be honest, we almost didn’t qualify, but somehow, at the last minute, we pulled it off.
Award #4: HA HA JUST KIDDING
Awarded for all kinds of Ha Ha Just Kidding situations, this trophy only symbolically says Made the Bed, which is obviously not a thing that happens around here because science, thank God, has put the kibosh on bed-making. I mean, I was given this trophy for Making the Bed (Ha Ha Just Kidding), but I also qualified for other categories of Ha Ha Just Kidding, including Showered Today, Found Clean Panties on the First Try, and Drank My Coffee While It Was Still Hot.
In conclusion, I’m going to need a really big trophy case, because there are more***** where these came from******, and I’m bound to keep winning and winning.
*Podium: aka, the kitchen table.
**The Masses: Several children, all apparently mine, some sans pants, two muddy dogs, and Greg.
***I Was Nominated: with special thanks to Me for nominating myself.
****A Few Who Rolled Their Eyes: Greg Woolsey.
*****There Are More: OF COURSE there are more. There are more already made, AND there are more to come. For example, I am currently reading Bonk: the Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach and have decided my next trophy ought to be for Not Coercing Greg into Having Sex in Front of a Medical Audience for the Purposes of 4D Research like Mary, my hero, did her husband, Ed. I mean, YES I made Greg believe we were getting a miniature horse, and YES, I’m blessing him with a house full of Golden Retrievers, but it turns out I HAVE NEVER, EVER FLOWN HIM TO ENGLAND TO PARTICIPATE IN SEX STUDIES. I am a Paragon of Virtue. Now to make that concise enough to go on a trophy. I’m open to suggestions.
******Where These Came From: My friend, Shelley, who, for reasons I don’t understand, was getting rid of trophies, instead of awarding them to herself. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Also from our local trophy store where the receptionist was very, very confused and troubled by how I intended to repurpose these. On the bright side, I think that lady prayed for me when I left.
11 responses to “I Accepted on Behalf of All of Us. Also, I’m Going to Need a Trophy Case.”
[…] your tooth free. FOUR TIMES.” <— I didn’t say that. Not even with my eyes. I expect a trophy later, […]
[…] may remember last month, when I accepted trophies in myriad categories including Smothered Zero People With a Pillow and Injury Free Workplace: 60 Minutes. Well, this […]
I love the knife in the apple by the safety trophy. It is just so utterly fitting. 🙂
I’m retired Navy. I make my bed every morning – some days neater than others. My wife does not make hers. Read into that whatever you please. In prime time middle age, a good night of sleep is more valued than snuggles.
For the record old Marines make their beds as well.
Now I know what to do with our karate trophies. ☺
I don’t know how this fits, but you, Beth Woolsey; you will intuit the connection. When I was not yet 4 years old and I had a cold, my father brought home a plastic “Nurses Kit” toy for me. He said I could have it as soon as I learned to properly blow my nose. (It was the 1950’s so I got a nurses kit not the doctor kit, which is probably why I ended up working in a jail.) From that day until now I have always blown my nose very well. But today, coming off a long messy January cold, I blew my nose. And somehow i didn’t get the top of my Kleenex close enough to my face, because that sucker blew out the top and the bodily substance that dare not say its name (but you will, Beth. You will) .. it landed all over my glasses.
This is the kind of thing that when it happens, I say to myself, “I wonder what Beth Woolsey has written lately.” And here you are, in my inbox, with this classic awards ceremony.
I love your brave humor. And all kidding aside, you are truly brave.
Your posts always make me so happy – keep up the good work. In fact, have a “making strangers smile” trophy 🙂
How about Going Above and Beyond as Greg’s Wife! Sounds correct and trophy worthy to me!
Love your work!! There should be a troghy for how many times you have shined laughter into dark places!!!
Congratulations!! I got that pillow smothering award once, but I don’t know if I really should have accepted. I didn’t stay and make it through the situation, I fled my friend’s dorm room and went home, rather than smother the total stranger sleeping on the floor.
“because science, thank God, has put the kibosh on bed-making.” You always make me laugh but this sentence made me really happy too. For years I’ve carried guilt and shame about not making my bed and not making my kids make their beds. From this day forward, because of you, I no longer have to carry the burden of guilt about bed making. I’m sure there’s an award for you for that too.