I Tried Revenge Chores So You Don’t Have To

Got in a fight with Greg yesterday about a Tiny Thing. For the record, it was categorically his fault and zero percent mine, and we shall ignore the fact that I’m the only one telling this story without giving him a shot at sharing His Side. Yes? Yes. Excellent. I’m glad we’re on the same page.

Don’t worry, though; I got back at him by Revenge Weeding, Revenge Dish Washing, and Revenge Dinner Cooking. That’s when you do all those things, but with anger in your heart instead of love. Well, I suppose with love, too, but only technically speaking. Revenge Chores are like when the love is definitely there, but it’s buried deep, deep down under the Muttering and the One Sided Conversations in Your Brain Where Everything YOU Have to Say Is Brilliant and Wise So That He Acquiesces, Admits Fault, and Begs for Forgiveness. That’s very satisfying if you, like me, are interested in maintaining the fantasy of Righteous Anger and stoking the flame of simultaneous Self Pity and Superiority, but it’s not very satisfying if you want to, you know, do anything actually productive in the relationship.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Sometimes you gotta make hard choices.

Now, I’m not usually one for Revenge Chores. I’m much more inclined to Revenge Take a Bath or Revenge Sit on the Couch or Revenge Go to a Pub. I am, in other words, not very good at getting Actual Revenge, as all of these usually go unnoticed by the object of my actions. It turns out, Taking a Bath at someone does rather little to get one’s point across. And in fact, now that I’ve tried Revenge Chores, I don’t recommend them, either; if possible, Revenge Chores are even less effective than Revenge Bathing. I mean, I understand it’s probably already occurred to you that Revenge Chores are more like a Reward than Revenge for the culprit, but I’m a little slow sometimes. Greg didn’t pick up on my back-stabbing Choring at all. He seemed to appreciate it, so that sucked.

I finally had to resort, as a last-ditch effort, to Talking to Greg. In my defense, I often start with Words before Revenge Bathing, because I’m Mature and Reasonable; my Words, of course, being always Calm, Logical, and Kind where Calm, Logical, and Kind sound like, “GAH!” and “ARGH!” and “OH MY GOSH, I DID TELL YOU THE THING YOU SAY I DIDN’T TELL YOU… WHY DO YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME?” Because everyone knows using words like Always and Never and I Did SO is the best way to be heard and understood by one’s partner. 

So we talked. Eventually. By which I mean argued. In the kitchen. In front of our kids, which I don’t recommend. Not because I think it’s important to show children a United Parenting Front and that You’re Always on the Same Side — I think that’s wholly unrealistic and unhelpful as it doesn’t teach kids Conflict Resolution by example. No; I don’t recommend arguing in front of the kids because they’ll call you on your Bullshit, folks, which I can tell you from experience is a real bummer.

”Yes, Mom, you’re technically correct,” inserts an 11yo, “but you always tell me you can be Right AND Kind about it, and you say You Can Be Mad AND Express It Nicely.”

”Yeah,” his brother pipes up, “I’d say you’re kinda being a hypocrite right now.”


Lord love a duck. KIDS THESE DAYS, y’all. Both Right AND Annoying. <— THIS IS WHAT COMES FROM TEACHING YOUR KIDS APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR AND HOW TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES. Think twice is all I’m saying, friends. Think twice.

In conclusion, this is a post about nothing. Just being human over here. 

Waving at those of you humaning, too.




P.S. Greg and I are good now. We didn’t smother each other with pillows. The Awards Ceremony is tonight. 😉



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6 responses to “I Tried Revenge Chores So You Don’t Have To”

  1. I hardly ever (I started by typing “never”, but changed it, you’re a good teacher!) use words. Which very often results in the children (8 and 13) telling their dad (in front of me) what made me angry/upset/feeling ready for revenge but there is nothing he’ll understand as such. I do not recommend this either – it makes for awkward situations. The thing is, he’s not often at home. And when he is, he works, like all the time (except when he finally comes to the dinner table, because we are half way done eating – my kids eat slooooowly); so when can I use words??
    Oh my, I have so much more dark water to tread before reaching the getting out of there level.
    PS Thanks for the waving, I consider it being for me too.
    PS PS I sent you and email Beth, can you please let me know you received it, if and when you have some time?

  2. Mumbling PITA over and over. Regarding all the things. Thanks for the great laugh and my new mantra. Glad no pillows were involved following the discussions.

    • Oh, I’m pretty sure the at the end of the post implies that pillows were DEFINITELY involved following the discussions. At least I hope so. But not in a creepy way. I mean I don’t hope so in a creepy way, just in a …. maybe I should quit now. Not sure I ca recover from this.

  3. If Greg didn’t pick up on it, and especially was GRATEFUL, you didn’t slam enough of the things. Cabinets, dishes, chairs, doors-make enough noise that they KNOW you’re doing it because you’re so angry at them. You know this 🙂

    • Ooh, angry chores are the best! I’ve even had students notice me angry sweeping or angry tidying. It does seem that Beth needs to up her “slamming things around” factor.

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