Someone Left an Exercise Bike on My Front Porch So I Can Do the Thing I’m Best At

Someone left an exercise bike on my front porch.

I don’t know how long it’s been there.

It just appeared sometime after I left the empty paint cans out to dry fourteen months ago, and before today, when my son decided to prove my neglected garden box is truly decrepit by ripping it from the earth and depositing it next to the front door.

F Your I,  that kid didn’t tell me he would be digging up my garden. He just left the rotting wooden frame for me as a decoration, as if to emphasize to anyone misguided enough to visit exactly how green my thumb is not. This is my kid who experiences disability and often has a hard time expressing himself verbally. This one isn’t too hard to interpret, though. I’m pretty sure he’s saying, “Guys. Guys. Guys. My mom is SO BAD at gardening, she doesn’t just kill the plants. She kills the container, too. YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS BEFORE YOU KNOCK. I AM TRYING TO HELP YOU.”

So now there’s a bike, too. Just hanging out. On my front porch. Amid a mounting pile of debris.

Because my front porch needed one more thing to complete its junk collection?

Or as a hint?

Perhaps it’s a not-so-subtle message to get my ass in gear. Which is fine, really. I’m not offended. God knows I’ll be able to disregard that bike easily as I’ve ignored my garden and those paint cans. Ignoring miscellaneous detritus is well within my skill set, after all, as is putting off exercise. I mean, those are two of my main spiritual gifts. It’s really like whoever dropped that contraption off is simply giving me the opportunity to live my best life, you know? By doing what I’m good at. 

That is all for now. I need to get to work Not Seeing that Bike, STAT.

Sending love and waving in the dark,



P.S. I’m hoping that bike is a gift and not a loan because, frankly, I’m not responsible enough to return it in like condition should its deliverer ever want it back.

For example, my neighbor came over yesterday to loan me the meatball pages from his recipe binder. I’ve complimented his balls of meat repeatedly, as one does, so it was a kind gesture on his part.

Kind, but unwise. I meant to take good care of those pages. I meant to bring them inside and not leave them on my patio table where he’d found me and deposited them. I meant to, but Somebody in my house bugged Somebody Else, and small humans were VeryHungryPracticallySTARVING, and the dog absconded with a tampon which she subsequently deemed a Serious Threat and therefore Slaughtered in Defense of her family, leaving , and on and on and on, so I was beckoned repeatedly and at top volume by my most common name, MomMomMOMmomMom. I don’t know how it happened, but I left the pages on the patio table where they were viciously attacked by the sprinklers in the night. Now I have wads of toilet paper shoved in their plastic sleeves, attempting to soak up the water so they can dry.

I’m basically being kept company by Balls of Meat pages that look like they don’t know how to correctly stuff their bra. 

P.P.S. My sweet teens just came home from school and let me know I look like Actual Death with no make-up on. They suggested I maybe take a shower and clean myself up.

That has nothing to do with the rest of this post. Just wanted to let someone know so the authorities will know who to arrest for Their Actual Death which is imminent. 

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8 responses to “Someone Left an Exercise Bike on My Front Porch So I Can Do the Thing I’m Best At”

  1. Hun, how in love with your blog am I?


    Also, you are the original American Housewife (TV show). Reading your posts is like getting a preview of the coming season. You could even play Katy Mixon’s twin. It’s just that I don’t have the studio exec’s number.

    Have I mentioned how awesome you are?


    Your voice is needed!!!! Needed!!!!

    You’re awesome and amazing and I love your magical mess of a life.


  2. Detritus is just junk that takes up attention that should be spent on More Important Things. Those of us who often find ourselves low on spoons because we use so many in so many pots and have a limited supply to begin with simply can not waste our precious attention on detritus.

    Ignore away, my friend. You are simply Managing Your Time Well (TM) and doing an amazing job.

    PS you are beautiful. Tell your teens to put their glasses on. Sillies.


  3. You can recycle that toilet paper once everything dries out……..

    Just leave it in the bathroom on the counter, for, you know, when the roll is gone. 🙂

  4. Oooh, I’m SUPER good at ignoring piles of crap and things I should be doing. My sister is living with us this summer and you can bet your sweet ass the stuff we left on the porch when she moved in “until we figured out where to put it” will still be there when she moves out. And who knows how long she’ll be living in the TV room while we “finish” repairing the room we told her she could move into.

    Here is a sentence that has never before in the history of the world been written, spoken, or even thought:
    I’m basically being kept company by Balls of Meat pages that look like they don’t know how to correctly stuff their bra.
    Well done!

  5. My collection of debris is INSIDE the house! No bikes yet though… And NO ONE should ever leave any papers with me. I don’t have to dry them, they just disappear before there is any chance of them getting dirty/wet/destructed… The only problem is that I have to correct papers. I need all my energy to keep them “readable” at least until I manage to read and correct them. There’s never any energy left to clear (or clean) the house, or take care of mom-calling beings small or big – Sigh. Enjoy the shower. I would love to be allowed to go and take a shower to make myself less Actual Death (imagine Actual Death scoring your final exam papers – my poor students)

  6. Miscellaneous detritus is my skill set too, only I specialize in piles of laundry mixed with toys and household goods.

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