So, for months now — MONTHS — Facebook keeps showing me the same sponsored post in my news feed. It’s by Myquillin Smith of The Nesting Place, a stunning home and garden blogger, and it’s titled 5 Things People With Tidy Homes Don’t Do.
Now, I want to be CRYSTAL CLEAR that I have no problem with my fellow humans who keep tidy homes. I LOVE PEOPLE WHO KEEP TIDY HOMES for many reasons, the main one of which is I get to live vicariously through them. Thank goodness, because God knows I don’t keep a tidy home myself. I mean, it’s gotten better as my kids have grown older — less “filth and squalor” these days and more just “mayhem, muck, and madness,” you know? — but tidy is definitely not a word applicable to our situation.
I adore looking at magazine photos. I feel inspired by whitewashed rooms with splashes of color. And I keep unrealistic hope alive that Someday This May Be Me. For example, I bought a white enamel clawfoot tub in fine condition the other day for no other reason than it was $50. I COULD NOT HELP IT. It’s a tub WITH CLAW FEET, friends, so the money leapt from my hand of its own accord. Do I have a place to put said tub, you ask? YES. OF COURSE I DO. WHO BUYS SOMETHING WITHOUT A PLACE TO PUT IT? It’s in my garage as I type. … Oh, you meant do I have a useful place to put said tub? Like, a sort of bathing-related space with extras like plumbing and soap. Well, no; no, I do not. Which is IRRELEVANT, as I told Greg while he was lifting the twelve ton beast from our rusty truck, because NOW I OWN A CLAWFOOT TUB. HOORAY!
Still, even as the proud owner of a clawfoot tub who is not anti-tidy, every time I see the 5 Things People With Tidy Homes Don’t Do article fly through my feed, I think I ALREADY KNOW 5 THINGS PEOPLE WITH TIDY HOMES DON’T DO, and they are these:
- People with tidy homes don’t have one child.
- People with tidy homes don’t have two children.
- People with tidy homes don’t have three children.
- People with tidy homes don’t have four children.
- And people with tidy homes definitely don’t have five children.
CAN I GET AN AMEN?
And we shall politely ignore the fact that my 5 Things are lies, because there are plenty of people with children who have tidy homes. We shall ignore that because these 5 Things are clearly in the Necessary Lies category; the lies we must tell ourselves to remain functional; lies like bacon is not a carcinogen, and maybe the baby will sleep all night. SURVIVAL LIES is what these are. Capiche?
Now, I’ve put together a few photos that showcase Myquillian’s house and then mine from a similar angle in the home, just for visual aid purposes.
I like Myquillin’s home. Truth be told, I love it. And I’m seriously contemplating buying her book, but I couldn’t help but notice she’s not as prepared as me for this Christmas by proactively leaving wreaths hung in the kitchen.
Nor does she decorate her home in my more classic motif, which I like to call “Unpaid Bills and Dirty Dishes.”
And she seems to have a pronounced lack of broken end tables taking up all the usable sitting space.
I mean, to each her own, but in case “tidy” and “beautiful” and “a relaxing oasis inside your home” isn’t want you’re going for, feel free to take some inspiration from me and drape your couch in wrinkled bedsheets, crushed plastic drink containers, and game controllers.
You have options, is all I’m saying.
P.S. No criticisms of Myquillin Smith or The Nesting Place, please. Her motto is It Doesn’t Have to Be Perfect to Be Beautiful, so she’s our people.
P.P.S. We might be getting more foster kittens before the current ones are adopted because MORE KITTENS IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN LESS KITTENS, and also because our local shelter can’t take any more right now. My child, who has been listening far too much to his father and is therefore too practical for an 11yo and not nearly enough OMG MUST HAVE ALL THE KITTENS, asked where these kittens are supposed go. “The laundry room,” I said. “They can’t,” he replied, “or they’ll get all the clean laundry dirty.” That’s when I told him Something That Blew His Mind: some people do a chore called Putting Away Clean Laundry. As in, when they’re in need of clothes, they don’t dig through the pile on the laundry room floor. They look in places like closets and dressers, an activity most of my children have literally never done. I feel in retrospect like I didn’t need to share the entire post above. This little snippet explains in a nutshell our exact tidiness level.
P.P.P.S. I didn’t tell him about folding clothes. I felt like his brain had enough new concepts for one day.