Listen; I love Mary Oliver. I do. The wild geese. The exhortation to Pay Attention. But I have a new plan for my one wild and precious life, Mary, and it’s to take a nap. A LONG one. 

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Mary wrote, and it’s a poignant and powerful question. THIS IS IT, after all. Our ONE SHOT. One go-around. One lifetime, for however long it lasts. So the reminder to use it well is apt, yes? To correctly value it as priceless and use it accordingly. To remember we’re creatures of the wild, born to be freely and fully ourselves because we’re the only one of us there is. And I am ON BOARD. I am here for it. I get it, and I’m all in.

Except I’ve also always read this as a call to achieve. Anyone else? I’ve always looked at this — “tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” — as a call to do more and do it better. “STOP WASTING TIME, friend; YOU WILL NEVER GET IT BACK.” You know? I’ve always viewed this as a timely call back to being driven and goal-oriented when I’ve maybe gotten off track. I’ve always read this and felt the pressure to squeeze the marrow out of life. To carpe every second of the diem. To wake up daily, ready and eager to go, Benjamin Franklin Early-Bird-Gets-the-Worm style, with a plan in place that I implement the hell out of.

But here’s the thing, Mary: I’m tired.

That’s really the crux of it.

I’m tired.

I’m constantly self-assessing and deciding I’m Behind Schedule.

I’m constantly self-judging and deciding Enough is Never Enough.

I’m constantly comparing myself to others my age and younger whom I consider “more successful” or “healthier” or “more well-adjusted” — or even just “wakes up and puts on pants every day” — and finding myself wanting.  Which means, I think, I’m under the same amount of pressure as the rest of my peers. I suffer from the same wondering whether I’m doing enough and accomplishing it on time. And what I  need, I’ve decided, is an effing break. 

Is that OK, Mary? 

Can I just plan to take a break with this one wild and precious life? 

I went back to my therapist today to talk about how my efforts at a Consistent Activity Level are going. The answer is, not horrifically. Given that I didn’t know what that was just two weeks ago, I’m giving myself an A for effort. Some days I’ve been frenetic and flustered. But most days I’ve remembered to make myself a warm beverage, light a candle, and brush my teeth like a real grown-up, and I also gave myself screen time limits like I give my children, so I’m feeling OK about my progress. Like I’m actively trying not to do everything. 

I’ve always read your question rhetorically, Mary — “tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” — where the answer, clearly, is DO BETTER, BE BETTER, and GET THERE FASTER. 

But all good art, including poetry, is meant for interpretation by its audience, and I believe you would’ve been OK with mine. I think you would’ve celebrated it, even. I think you probably didn’t mean this question rhetorically at all. I believe you meant to make us stop and think. REALLY think. The problem is that our Achievement Culture coupled with my own sense of Not Enough conspired to place this question solely in the Actions Category. The Measurable Objectives category. 

I forgot there’s always going to be something on the To Do list. That there is no destination labeled “Enough” unless I decide to name it so. My therapist reminded me of that today. There will always be more to do. Always. Which means the only way to rest is if we allow ourselves to do it before the list is complete. 

So I’m just here for a second, Mary, to let you know I know what it is I plan to do with my one wild and precious life. At least for right now. 

I plan to take a nap.

And give myself a freaking break.

The rest will wait ‘til tomorrow. 

Kiss, 

 

 

 

P.S. Speaking of visiting my therapist, REJOICE WITH ME; I’m on the mend. My brain is ALMOST BACK. It’s Nirvana to be able to think and focus and not experience overwhelming dread when I see I have an appointment on my calendar. I’m not sure I can adequately express the relief. It’s like trying to explain being pain-free. What are the words for that? I can MOVE. I can BREATHE. I REMEMBER WHO I AM. I not only see the light at the end of the tunnel, I actually believe I may eventually be able to make my way there. So thanks, friends, for sitting with me and waving in the dark in the meantime. I owe you. ❤️ 

P.P.S. Did you know I run a small number of retreats each year? I do! One of my very, very favorite things to do is hang out with members of our incredible, worldwide community and offer rest and respite from our regular lives. I would LOVE to have you join me. 

{HINT: A number of previous March retreat participants have asked for that as their gift for Christmas. #GiftIdea! If you need more info, always feel free to contact our retreat registrar, Maggie Peterson, at petersonm1@spu.edu.}

Click here for general retreat information. 

Or, if you want to head straight to the registration pages, you can register via my farm website, CAIRNS FARM:

• March 5-8, 2020 at the Oregon Coast — click here
• November 5-8, 2020 at the Oregon Coast — click here
• All Retreats and Adventures — click here