It does not snow where I live. Or rather, it snows approximately one quarter of one day during the winter. Everyone gets VERY excited, we cancel everything, people from snowy climates mock our hysteria, folks crash their cars, our children try to sled on icy gravel, and stores sell out of every apocalyptic supply item: bottled water, hot chocolate, mylar survival blankets, and hot dog buns. Don’t even ask; I do not know why with the hot dog buns — I just report the fact, folks.

We already had our snow hour this season, in December. Our Facebook feeds were full of second by second weather reports. All the media sent their junior reporters into the field to stand on highway exit ramps in their branded Columbia gear with their hoods pulled over their heads clutching giant wired mics with puffy gloved hands so they could relentlessly bring us “breaking news” while literally zero precipitation marred their reporting. And we already saw all the Snowpocalypse and We Will Rebuild Memes.

But today it’s snowing in our little snowless Oregon town BECAUSE OF COURSE IT IS.

A global pandemic is on the loose, the world is closed, it’s Friday the 13th, and now it’s SNOWING. Big, huge flakes of snow. Like mini snowballs falling from the sky. And it’s supposed to keep snowing until noon tomorrow. 

Also, the host of Celebrity Apprentice has been president of the United States for almost FOUR YEARS. 

Also-also, Tom Hanks is stuck on an island with Wilson again. Except this time FOR REALS. 

Also-also-also, we’re hesitating to close our schools during a worldwide disease outbreak because they’re the ONLY SAFETY NET for vulnerable kids to get the food, clothing, hygiene supplies, etc. that they need. <— THAT’S how we’re taking care of kids in this country. 

Also-also-also-also, now that kids are headed home for an indefinite number of weeks, the families who are living paycheck-to-paycheck, *one crisis away from bankruptcy and houselessness*, are getting one/two punches to the face. You gotta work to keep food on the table and make rent. Honestly. Just work harder. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. *BOOM* Also, please simultaneously be home with your children lest you spread disease and cause vulnerable people to die. *KA-POW* 

And finally (because I’m running out of alsos, not because I’m running out of shocking items), AMERICANS SEEM TO THINK HOARDING TOILET PAPER IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HOARDING COFFEE. Which is factually, demonstrably false and just goes to show our priorities are grossly out of whack. I went to the store to overfill my cart (for a local middle school, STOP JUDGING ME) and the paper products aisles were decimated but the caffeine products were all still available. Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary pals, YOU CAN WASH YOUR BUTT WITH A SQUIRT BOTTLE OF WATER BUT THERE IS NO CURE FOR A LACK OF CAFFEINE WHILE YOUR CHILDREN ARE ALL HOME. 

In other words, WHAT THE EFF IS EVEN HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

That’s the question.

>>>WHAT IS HAPPENING? <<< Lord love a duck.

I’ve been asking myself this question rhetorically, on repeat, not really expecting an answer, but then I realized I MAY HAVE FIGURED IT OUT.

There are actually SEVERAL POSSIBLE REASONS, friends.

Reasons that EXPLAIN EVERYTHING. 

5 Plausible Explanations for What’s Happening in Our World Right Now:

1. THIS IS THE WEIRDEST, MOST CONVOLUTED EPISODE OF TWILIGHT ZONE EVER. Honestly, though, I feel like the writers tried to focus on too many plot points all at once and created a show that’s unwieldy and unrealistic.

2. Someone opened the gd Jumanji box. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP PLAYING JUMANJI? #ffs #smdh #humansthesedays  

3. March has been jealous of April Fool’s day forEVER and threw down. April’s always all, “I’m putting plastic wrap on the toilet” and “I stuck a fake spider in the mayo” and March finally shook her head. April gets all the attention and makes minimal effort. “Hold my beer, April.”

4. This is some sort of cosmic practical joke gone horribly wrong. It’s, like, an elaborate prank that started four years ago and won’t end because whoever’s pulling it thinks it’s HILARIOUS that no matter how ridiculous they make it we keep BELIEVING IT’S REAL. Does this end when we all collectively say, “OK, HA HA. Very funny. You’ve had your laugh, now give us back our reality…” ? Because I feel like we should at least give it a shot. 

5. We are, in fact, residents of the dumbest possible timeline. TBH, I’m pretty sure this one’s it and that we can only fix it with a time machine. We’re going to have to decide which one to use, though. We’ll need to pick between Bill and Ted’s phone booth, the Doctor’s tardis, Marty McFly’s DeLoreon, and Hermione Granger’s Time-Turner. Frankly, I’m inclined toward Hermione. I realize her United States presidential campaign — erstwhile called Elizabeth Warren 2020 — came to naught, but I still believe Hermione Granger has the best plans and the proven ability to execute them well. I am, however, willing to listen to arguments in favor of the Doctor. {SIDE NOTE: If we Absolutely MUST put this project in the hands of another white dude like Bill or Ted or Marty or Joe, can we AT LEAST agree on Granger or Warren or Abrams as VP, tho? Seriously, people. SERIOUSLY.}

I don’t know about you, but I feel marginally better now that we have an explanation for this madness. 

The End

And waving in the dark, as always,

 

 

 

P.S. Lest this post appear as though I’m not taking COVID-19 seriously, I am. We’re taking all recommended precautions around these parts and isolating ourselves as much as possible. Were it not for the Life and Death realities of this situation, I’d be saying as an introvert that Social Distancing is pretty much living the dream. I’d just like a shot at that dream minus people dying, please. 

P.P.S. Like other small businesses who desire to serve our community and depend on local revenue to do so, we’re still open at Cairns Farm, and we’re ready to host your smaller, more intimate gatherings if you’re looking for a place. We are following all CDC and Oregon State guidelines, and we will close the farm — with refunds — if the CDC  or Oregon government recommend we do so. For now, we’re still planning on baby goat yoga — with plenty of space between participants — March 22 and 29. And we’re still accepting bookings for our mini weekend retreat (no more than 6 people) April 17-19. So if you’re in need of some time with other humans, but not in large groups, to rest and rejuvenate, we’d love to see you!