I spent hours yesterday trying to write to you before giving up at 3pm, turning on Netflix, and finishing Season 2 of You. (Sidenote: OMG! 😳) The problem was, I wasn’t well, and I also forgot about my vow to take care of myself. Instead, I spent the first many hours of the day chastising myself for failing to be more productive. Failing to keep the kitchen cleaner. Failing to write in my Diary. Failing to write for Other Purposes. Failing to shower. Fail, fail, fail.
It’s all well and good to say we need to be kind to ourselves. We MUST be better friends to our own wonky brains and tender hearts. But putting it into action is MUCH HARDER because kindness as a lifestyle and kindness as muscle memory and kindness as the automatic first reaction takes PRACTICE.
But I’m not going to chastise myself for failing. That feels… like the opposite of the point. I caught on eventually, and then kindness and eating mint chocolate chip ice cream on the couch kicked in.
The main problem yesterday was the fact that I was awake until 2am the night before puking my guts out.
The reason behind that is a mystery, though.
It could be food poisoning. It could be a gluten or dairy intolerance. It could be a sudden inability to drink two whole beers in a row which I did for the first time during quarantine. It could be my gall bladder. Or infection? Inflammation? Obstruction? Who knows?
Since it was very sudden onset, though, I assume it was food poisoning which is embarrassing because I’m the only person making food around here, so if it is food poisoning, I essentially managed to poison myself, and I have zero restaurants to blame. [Note to Self: Eat out more often so I have a ready scapegoat.]
Either way, I spent a couple hours draped over the toilet.
And then I was exhausted yesterday. And so I was unproductive. And so I was unkind to myself. Until I figured my shit out, corrected that oversight, and set my expectations for Getting Anything Done to zero. Lowest setting available.
What kind of ridiculous, productivity-obsessed culture have I subscribed to, though, that I felt Less Than for being unproductive WHILE SICK during a GLOBAL PANDEMIC? Oh, bless my sweet, darling heart. Also, NO. I refuse to CONSCIOUSLY submit to that level of bullshit. Subconsciously? Can’t always control that. But when it comes to mind? Yeah, NO MORE OF IT. It’s got to go. Adios. No welcome mat for that around here.
Today, I’m still not as productive as I’d like to be, but the difference is that I’m patting myself on the head today, being gentle and kind, living with the mess, and accepting This Is Just How It Is right now. There’s time to DO again later, but doing can wait, and so it will.
With love… and kindness,
P.S. Our Fairy Message Mother left us this message today:
Take courage, my heart.
And so we shall.