The 10 Stages of Bathing Children:
1. Wrestle squirmy babies into the tub.
2. Wash while they wiggle.
3. Wash while they wriggle.
4. Wash while they bite each other.
5. Wash while they kick you in the face.
6. Wonder how this became your life.
7. Think about how you used to use your time and talents.
8. Contemplate the choices that led you to this moment.
9. Look for the kids’ other parent who said they’d help in 5 minutes, they just had to do one quick thing, and now it’s been 11billion minutes, and they’re still not here, and they got to go to work all day WITH GROWN-UPS while you stayed home with the soul-sucking gremlins you love with your whole heart, and you ARE GRATEFUL FOR THEM, DAMMIT, BUT OMG WOULD IT KILL YOUR PARTNER TO HELP ON TIME? “‘I’ll be right there,’” you mimic mockingly. “‘Why didn’t you ask for help?’ THIS IS WHY, YOU FORKING FORKER. BECAUSE I END UP DOING IT MYSELF ANYWAY.”
10. Run away to Mexico. (But only in your mind.)