My Christmas Isn’t Going According to Plan — How You Doin’?

I have to type this fast before my kid throws up again.

I should be using my time to make cinnamon rolls since Christmas is tomorrow, but cinnamon rolls require standing, and OMG I JUST WANT TO SIT A MINUTE.

Our Christmas isn’t going according to plan.

It’s OK. Truly. I’ve been doing this parenting gig long enough that I can flex with change like a ninja. Like a superhero who can slow time to dodge machine gun fire. Like a contortionist-turned-master-thief avoiding the impenetrable grid of laser beams in the private bank vault of the nefarious (but unbelievably hot) villain. Change of plans? Yippee ki yay, mother effer. Do your worst. ...  read more

To My Pontiac Who Saved a Person I Love: Thank You for Your Service

Do you ever wonder what a car sees? The things to which a good car bears witness? 

Tiny humans moving from infant carriers to car seats to boosters.

Potty accidents and coffee spills.

Singing and laughing and playing. And screaming and tears and the quiet of grief.

Windows rolled down while the radio blasts. Ice cream drips and gummy bears that melt in the inferno of summer. ...  read more

Rebrewing Coffee: A Brief Cautionary Tale

In a grand fit of laziness or misguided frugality this morning, I decided I could rebrew my coffee grounds from yesterday. I figured tea leaves are good for more than one cup (although I feel certain there are Tea Afficionados out there who will set me straight), therefore, why not coffee?

IMPORTANT: You cannot brew coffee grounds twice.

You can’t.

Truly. ...  read more

Happy Inertia Day!

Happy Inertia Day, friends!

If you didn’t know that was a thing, SURPRISE! I invented it this very day, and I shall henceforth celebrate it whenever I can’t get off my butt to get things done.

I was inspired by literally nothing, which is what I’ve accomplished so far today. Oh, I have Stuff to Do. I have a Lengthy List. I have the Usual Chores plus all the Holiday Extras. What I seem to lack, however, is Oomph.  ...  read more

I haven’t pooped my closet for, like, a really long time. Greg gave me a trophy. In other words, Greg + Beth 4Ever. True Love Always.

Folks, if you have a partner to flirt with, might I recommend you take a page out of Greg’s book and gift your significant other a personalized trophy?

Look, no one on Planet Earth doesn’t want to be recognized for their fine work. Or, without the double negative, All the People want to know they’re doing a good job. Yes? Yes. Of course, yes. Which is why a trophy is the perfect medium for appreciation. It’s an award. It’s a forever keepsake. And, personalized appropriately, it shows how well the giver knows you. How deeply you’re seen. How well you’re understood and valued. ...  read more

NEW HOTLINE for Your Questions: How to Microwave a 25 Pound Turkey

If you read How to Microwave a 25 Pound Turkey and found the directions helpful but insufficiently detailed — or helpful, but, now that you’ve tried it, you’ve run into some unforeseen difficulties — you’re not alone. I hear you, friends. I see the profound need as we prepare for Gluttony Day here in America. We are a community, and we care about each other! And that’s why we’ve set up this New Hotline — right here in the comments section — to address any specific needs you may have. ...  read more