We Accidentally Got Our Dog a Pet Bunny

We got our dog a pet bunny. Not on purpose. It was very much an accident. Still, that’s what happened, and now here we are.

This is my lap at home.

ALL THE TIME.

Someone please bring me coffee and a bedpan. I’m not moving anytime soon.

So what happened, you ask? Fine; I shall tell you. Here’s the long version.

My kid has a friend, and the friend’s name is Rowan.  ...  read more

Twinsie Pics: I Duplicated My Daughter’s Instagram Feed, Part 3

Hey! Remember when I posted last in our questionable series wherein I duplicate my college daughter’s bikini-laden Instagram feed? Me, too. It was last May, and I promised more soon, bless my heart and good intentions. Now it’s February, which is to say, I’m not a full year behind yet. And, since I’m usually WAY more behind than that, I am officially AHEAD when compared to myself. So GOOD JOB, Me! #NoShame ...  read more

Sometimes My Naked Butt Surprises Even Me… Isn’t Really What This Post Is About

Sometimes I run away to escape my family and write, write, write. Tonight is one of those nights, so here I sit at one of my favorite local spots — reopened after a fire — drinking an IPA, which I’ve recently come to enjoy because, I assume, 2016-Present has numbed me to bitterness and I can swallow more than I did before. 

The folks next to me at the bar are talking about the Sicilian mafia, how many bottles of wine fit in the sink of an RV (consensus = five), and their abiding desire for more bread, and I’m trying to decide what point is appropriate to introduce myself as their new best friend. Meanwhile, the bartender is alternating between describing ube, a purple yam from Southeast Asia, and decrying the state of the beer taps which are too full of air and dispensing too much foam this evening. I want to be all, “THE BEER IS DOING THE BEST IT CAN, MAN. LET’S GIVE IT SOME CREDIT FOR TRYING IN THE MIDST OF CHALLENGING TIMES,” but I might be projecting the tiniest bit, so I decided to leave the bartender alone.   ...  read more

I haven’t pooped my closet for, like, a really long time. Greg gave me a trophy. In other words, Greg + Beth 4Ever. True Love Always.

Folks, if you have a partner to flirt with, might I recommend you take a page out of Greg’s book and gift your significant other a personalized trophy?

Look, no one on Planet Earth doesn’t want to be recognized for their fine work. Or, without the double negative, All the People want to know they’re doing a good job. Yes? Yes. Of course, yes. Which is why a trophy is the perfect medium for appreciation. It’s an award. It’s a forever keepsake. And, personalized appropriately, it shows how well the giver knows you. How deeply you’re seen. How well you’re understood and valued. ...  read more

NEW HOTLINE for Your Questions: How to Microwave a 25 Pound Turkey

If you read How to Microwave a 25 Pound Turkey and found the directions helpful but insufficiently detailed — or helpful, but, now that you’ve tried it, you’ve run into some unforeseen difficulties — you’re not alone. I hear you, friends. I see the profound need as we prepare for Gluttony Day here in America. We are a community, and we care about each other! And that’s why we’ve set up this New Hotline — right here in the comments section — to address any specific needs you may have. ...  read more

Stuff Under My Couch: A Cautionary Tale of Doom and Despair

I moved my couch last week, which is always a big mistake. Huge, really. And in retrospect, I can think of no worthy justification. Just literally none.

I mean, moving it for a party so more people will fit? It seems like a good reason to displace furniture, but now that I know what sort of dust and allergens, biohazards and malice I’ve stirred up, I really should’ve just let traffic flow suffer. Let people trip over the couch arms. Risk folks being trapped in the living room with no good exit strategy. But I failed to conduct the proper cost/benefit analysis for Couch Moving, even though I have excellent raw data that show the precarious predicament we always face.  ...  read more