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Your Thoughts Requested: Democratic Presidential Candidates (Also Some Thoughts on Cash Ransoms that Have Zero to do with Anything Else. You’re welcome.)
Alrighty. I’ve learned two important things in the last two days, as follows:
1. I’ll never be able to pay a significant cash ransom should any of my people be kidnapped, so cross fingers that doesn’t happen.
and
2. I just turned I Have to Be Home in Time for the Democratic Debates years old.
Regarding Thing #1 — free tip from me to you — do NOT try to do bookkeeping in your head. … Continue Reading “Your Thoughts Requested: Democratic Presidential Candidates (Also Some Thoughts on Cash Ransoms that Have Zero to do with Anything Else. You’re welcome.)”
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Dear Charmin, I Have Questions
Dear Charmin Toilet Paper,
I love you. I do. And I feel like it’s important to say so right up front. I love you, and I have good reasons. You’re soft. You’re dreamy. You’re durable. And you’re not likely to break under pressure, which I always admire because I can’t do that. At all. Like, not even a little.
Oh, no; I definitely break under pressure. This very day, for example, one of my kids … Continue Reading “Dear Charmin, I Have Questions”
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I Am Not Qualified to Have Conversations. Nevertheless, I Persist. Sorry.
Alright. I don’t know if this is advice or anti-advice, but it’s something, and now you’ll know it, too, instead of me just carrying it around in my head all by myself where it should probably stay locked up forever.
Here’s the sitch: We bought a stunning farm in Oregon. And we’re working on the farm — a LOT these days — hoping to open early summer as a private park.
Most things, we’re … Continue Reading “I Am Not Qualified to Have Conversations. Nevertheless, I Persist. Sorry.”
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Twinsie Pics: How I Duplicated My Daughter’s Instagram Feed, Part Deux
or, alternatively titled,
How I Ended Up Topless in Hawaii…
on Not-a-Topless BeachI’m really not to blame here.
Hawaii’s to blame.
After all, I have terrible ideas and am historically irresponsible. A quick search of the internet by Hawaii would have revealed this and more. So the fact that Hawaii failed to avail itself of a simple online background check before allowing me on her beaches demonstrates negligence on her part, and everyone knows … Continue Reading “Twinsie Pics: How I Duplicated My Daughter’s Instagram Feed, Part Deux”
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In Case You Need Thumb Seeds, Tiny Watermelons, Or A New President, Which Are Basically The Same Thing…
You know how sometimes you wish you had more than two thumbs to give? Like, when you’re all, TWO THUMBS UP to your friends but then you wish you had three thumbs because they brought cookies? Or four because they said your kids probably won’t all grow up to be serial killers? In those moments, I’m all, “I REGRET THAT I HAVE BUT TWO THUMBS TO GIVE, friends.” They deserve so much more.
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Quick Life Tip
Dear friends,
Just a teeny, tiny quick tip for you today.
If somebody says, “Hey! You look really nice today,” maybe just say thank you.
Thank you is enough.
Thank you is not as awkward as Other Options.
Thank you is socially appropriate. And, sweet friend, you actually do not need to offer an excuse for looking nice.
Maybe, for example, do not say, “Yeah, I would’ve worn my usual jeans except I put … Continue Reading “Quick Life Tip”
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I Duplicated My Daughter’s Instagram Feed (Because the Internets Need a Laugh, Dammit)
Dear the Internets,
This is a cautionary tale.
Let’s say you have a kid at college.
And let’s say that college is in Hawaii.
Let’s say your kid chose that college because, OMG, BEACHES.
And let’s say she’s using those beaches to her full advantage.
Let’s say she has an Instagram account.
And let’s say it’s full of beach and bikini pics, because that’s apparently her area of giftedness.
Let’s say you’re scrolling through one … Continue Reading “I Duplicated My Daughter’s Instagram Feed (Because the Internets Need a Laugh, Dammit)”