beth​woolsey.

Tag: I’m an enormous idiot.

  • In Case You Need Thumb Seeds, Tiny Watermelons, Or A New President, Which Are Basically The Same Thing…

    You know how sometimes you wish you had more than two thumbs to give? Like, when you’re all, TWO THUMBS UP to your friends but then you wish you had three thumbs because they brought cookies? Or four because they said your kids probably won’t all grow up to be serial killers? In those moments,…

  • Quick Life Tip

    Dear friends, Just a teeny, tiny quick tip for you today. If somebody says, “Hey! You look really nice today,” maybe just say thank you. Thank you is enough. Thank you is not as awkward as Other Options. Thank you is socially appropriate. And, sweet friend, you actually do not need to offer an excuse…

  • I Duplicated My Daughter’s Instagram Feed (Because the Internets Need a Laugh, Dammit)

    Dear the Internets, This is a cautionary tale. Let’s say you have a kid at college. And let’s say that college is in Hawaii. Let’s say your kid chose that college because, OMG, BEACHES. And let’s say she’s using those beaches to her full advantage. Let’s say she has an Instagram account. And let’s say…

  • Not Worse

    Here’s everything I know right now about how I am: I’m Not Worse. Not Worse. HOORAY! I feel like this might be confusing. Or discouraging to a Normal Person. Not Worse when you’re really Fairly Terrible and like you Can’t Breathe doesn’t seem particularly encouraging, after all. But if you’re sliding naked down a steep…