by Beth Woolsey -

My Husband Keeps Trying to Have Sex With Me

My husband keeps trying to have sex with me.

For example, he cleaned off six shelves in our living room last night. Like, sorting stuff and organizing it and getting rid of crap we don’t need.

I know, you guys. I know.

That’s pretty extreme all by itself, but desperate people sometimes take desperate measures.

But wait! There’s MORE.

Our 2nd grader, Cael, keeps having anxiety attacks about his bear. Although Cael didn’t want to be separated from Beary, he also didn’t want to take Beary to school in his backpack because the school might burn down and he might not be able to get Beary out in time. I’d be concerned about his level of anxiety, irrational worry and general paranoia, except I don’t let my kids put their beds in front of the windows because, if I do, then I’ll be responsible when they to bleed to death after either a) the Big Quake hits or b) the burglar breaks in, shattering the window in a gazillion pieces, one of which will inevitably hit an artery. Protecting Beary from the inevitable school fire? That just makes sense. So, instead of taking Beary to school or leaving Beary home to get mauled by our dogs, my kid entrusted Beary to his dad. ...  read more

by Beth Woolsey -

When is Hugging Time? A Flow Chart for Couples

Greg was really huggy Saturday. I thought it was because I smelled like chocolate chip cookies, but that wasn’t it.

“You’re super huggy today,” I said to Greg.

And he said, “Well, you keep standing still and you’re not glaring, so…” And his “so” was the suggestive “so” like, “Standin’ still, baby, YEAH! It’s business time.” ...  read more

by Beth Woolsey -

Tank You Very Much

We went to Arnhem in the snow today to visit the museum at the site of a famous WWII battle.

“Look!” I said. “A big, huge tank!”

My dad and my husband looked at each other.

“Um, sweetie?” said my dad. “That’s actually a small tank.”

photo 3 (32)

“But I’m glad you think it’s big and huge,” said Greg. With a wink. As my dad cackled. ...  read more

by Beth Woolsey -

Bloody Noses, Wet Beds, Bad Dreams: I’m Leaving the Country

Greg turned 40 last week. 4 to the OH oh oh!

Happy Birthday, Baby!

(Psst… I never call Greg baby. It just felt right this time. Let’s go with it.)

To celebrate, my dad and I are taking Greg on a trip to see friends and museums and live the high life for 4 days. ‘Cause that’s the way we roll when we have a gift of air tickets, a free place to stay, and grandparents who are taking the whole slew of kiddos, minus the teenage daughter who’s embedded at a friend’s house, deep undercover, posing as a child from a normal home. Our kids’ mission this week is to discover exactly how families with clean bathrooms work. They’re writing an exposé, folks, and it’s going to be epic. ...  read more

by Beth Woolsey -

Tent Erection Instructions

It was like the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade: Camping Edition as Greg and I gathered our family members to march our new tent from the wrong campsite, where we initially (and privately) erected it, to the correct site, where it should’ve been from the start.

You know what? We shouldn’t judge. Tent erection is a tricky business, and this is a relatively new tent, and stuff doesn’t always happen in the best, most appropriate places when we’re still learning. I think we should agree to give the tent a break and not embarrass him any further. OK? OK. ...  read more

by Beth Woolsey -

If At First You Don’t Succeed: a special video presentation

I made you a video.

It’s based on a true story. And on perseverance.

I finished it while sitting at the Newark, New Jersey airport which is the very best place to edit a sex video, I think.

Greg made me use headphones while I worked on it. Greg has good manners. Thank you, Greg. I’m pretty sure that Walter, the refined, elderly gentlemen sitting across from us with his brown leather tasseled loafers who forgot to take off his Yacht Club nametag would be grateful if he knew. You’re welcome, Walter.  ...  read more

by Beth Woolsey -

On Foreign Languages

If you’re looking for information on which foreign language to teach your child, this is SO not that blog.

I mean, I’m still trying to teach 4 out of 5 of my children English as a First Language so that they might understand me when I say, “Empty the dishwasher.”  I even try saying it loud and slow, like any good American trying to get a furr-in-er to understand, “EM TEE the DISH WASH ERRRRR.” ...  read more